Well, I am feeling really crappy, but I had a fabulous chat with a friend of mine about all sorts of things, and really? During this said conversation I felt immensely connected to myself. I felt fully comprehensive in myself, and for the first time could see all of my pros and cons...
But it still left me feeling a bit sad. I don't know really why except that perhaps changes are occuring in this life here. Maybe karmic lessons are being had and I am so physically present on this earth plane, that I am totally unable to see them for the karmic forest.
So, I sit here and listen to some perfect Iron & Wine, wondering what will the world hold for me next. I know right now money is a huge issue for me. I find this city incredibly expensive to live in and I am beginning to see that creativity is needed.
Speaking of creativity, I have to say that Mme. The Teacher is a fundamentally super awesome enforcer of the creative vein without the distraction of Alias. Merci Buckets lady.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
*sigh*
Mobiles are fucking hard to make. Disgruntled am I.
So, I am going to try to make a better effort to start writing on this thing again. In a way, this l'il blog here has allowed me to vent out all sorts of things, allowing me to speak freely and without any sense of pressure. I miss that.
So, I don't really have much to report. I am working on some projects, trying to get my life sorted out. Sometimes it seems that you forget that you have one, and even though being present is a good thing, perhaps it isn't always because you forget where you were going because you were busy looking at the flowers, and lo... you've missed your bus.
Don't get me wrong. I think it's imperative to sit and take moments, moments, moments. But I also think that it isn't good to lose sight of where it is that you are going. Like I said, you'll miss your bus. And that? Sucks ass. Especially if the next one doesn't come for a few minutes, hours, days, months... years.
Interesting things have been unfolding in the last little while. I've been in contact with people from the past. Past sometimes evolves into the present to present us with the future. My future is becoming increasingly uncertain, but then whoever says that theirs is certain doesn't really know what they are talking about do they.
I'd have to say that lately I've been quite depressed. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe this is just life? I often wonder where people are going, what they are thinking. I often wonder if they are feeling the same way that I do. I always find it amazing how I know that I am not the only one, but am always surprised when I meet a person who says "Oh, I totally know what you mean. I feel that way all the time."
I had an interesting experience today. I was listening to the Velvet Underground while I was getting ready for work, and I had this sudden realization of what it felt like to be moved by it. I can't really describe it further than that, but just that I had some kind of connection to the person who introduced me to it. A moment where I transcended myself and suddenly I felt not myself, but fully myself. This feeling made me think twice what a personality is, what thought is, what it means to be me, as I describe it or how I am described. I felt.
Anyways, I am suffering from a small bout of insomnia, although it is only 11:30.
Night.
So, I am going to try to make a better effort to start writing on this thing again. In a way, this l'il blog here has allowed me to vent out all sorts of things, allowing me to speak freely and without any sense of pressure. I miss that.
So, I don't really have much to report. I am working on some projects, trying to get my life sorted out. Sometimes it seems that you forget that you have one, and even though being present is a good thing, perhaps it isn't always because you forget where you were going because you were busy looking at the flowers, and lo... you've missed your bus.
Don't get me wrong. I think it's imperative to sit and take moments, moments, moments. But I also think that it isn't good to lose sight of where it is that you are going. Like I said, you'll miss your bus. And that? Sucks ass. Especially if the next one doesn't come for a few minutes, hours, days, months... years.
Interesting things have been unfolding in the last little while. I've been in contact with people from the past. Past sometimes evolves into the present to present us with the future. My future is becoming increasingly uncertain, but then whoever says that theirs is certain doesn't really know what they are talking about do they.
I'd have to say that lately I've been quite depressed. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe this is just life? I often wonder where people are going, what they are thinking. I often wonder if they are feeling the same way that I do. I always find it amazing how I know that I am not the only one, but am always surprised when I meet a person who says "Oh, I totally know what you mean. I feel that way all the time."
I had an interesting experience today. I was listening to the Velvet Underground while I was getting ready for work, and I had this sudden realization of what it felt like to be moved by it. I can't really describe it further than that, but just that I had some kind of connection to the person who introduced me to it. A moment where I transcended myself and suddenly I felt not myself, but fully myself. This feeling made me think twice what a personality is, what thought is, what it means to be me, as I describe it or how I am described. I felt.
Anyways, I am suffering from a small bout of insomnia, although it is only 11:30.
Night.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Hi Internet!
Oh, how I've missed you. Really.
Where the hell... wait. How many fucking posts have I started with "So, where the hell have I been?" This folks, is not good. Or is it? Is this indicitive of me having a wild and crazy fun filled life, filled with so much stuff that I have no time to post a comment on the debaucherous behaviours that I so OBVIOUSLY am partaking in...
No.
No, I've just been a little bit trying to get out of my head. When you come home at the end of the night feeling totally shattered because you've seen more awful base people than you'd ever care to, and you wonder if the hatred that you feel welling up inside of you is at them or at yourself because in some small way you wish that you had the privileges and luxuries that they have, and only if you had listened years ago, maybe you would be successful at something; where you wish that for the amount of work you do everyday was compensated accordingly, that you wouldn't have to go to the corner store and buy Mr. Noodles because that is all you can afford after you've paid rent and your bills; where you wonder if maybe it's the liquor, a drink would be nice right about now as you wash your clothes in your kitchen sink because the 4 dollars it costs to wash and dry could buy you something to eat over next few days, and hey. Maybe you'll just simply won't have the energy to walk across town to get somewhere and so having a stash of emergency bus fare sounds like a smart idea... As you recall your day and remember with utter distaste the look of arrogance on the faces of the people you serve as they trounce all over what little shred of self respect you have, and oh the movie in your head is playing a fantastic scene where you leap over the counter and grab the offensive person by the cuff of their shirt as you drag them out of the store telling them just how HOW much of a complete waste of space and fresh air they are as you toss them (with your MAGNIFICENT strength, because hey. It's the movies, yo) outside and they look at you and they realize their insolent behaviour, and then you realize that really, you'd be no better than them so you suck it up while they tell you that basically you're a piece of shit because you work in retail.
But then something happens while I sit there at my kitchen table. I have a realization that I am free. I am free to come and go as I please. I sit and listen to some good music, maybe something by Tom Waits, or Mazzy Star... maybe some Jeff Buckley or good ol' Emmylou Harris. I DO have a beer in the fridge, I find change in my pocket and get myself some fixin's to create a most amazing meal. And I may be sitting here, eating alone. Maybe there is some tears rolling down my face as I get a twinge of anxiety of how I have to go at it again tomorrow, but I realize that right now, right this very second, no one owns it but me. Not those assholes at the store, not the people out on the street, not the folks at the Legion (although, they're pretty cool...) not my neighbours, not my loved ones even. No one but me. And wow. I think I really like myself and myself's company.
Where the hell... wait. How many fucking posts have I started with "So, where the hell have I been?" This folks, is not good. Or is it? Is this indicitive of me having a wild and crazy fun filled life, filled with so much stuff that I have no time to post a comment on the debaucherous behaviours that I so OBVIOUSLY am partaking in...
No.
No, I've just been a little bit trying to get out of my head. When you come home at the end of the night feeling totally shattered because you've seen more awful base people than you'd ever care to, and you wonder if the hatred that you feel welling up inside of you is at them or at yourself because in some small way you wish that you had the privileges and luxuries that they have, and only if you had listened years ago, maybe you would be successful at something; where you wish that for the amount of work you do everyday was compensated accordingly, that you wouldn't have to go to the corner store and buy Mr. Noodles because that is all you can afford after you've paid rent and your bills; where you wonder if maybe it's the liquor, a drink would be nice right about now as you wash your clothes in your kitchen sink because the 4 dollars it costs to wash and dry could buy you something to eat over next few days, and hey. Maybe you'll just simply won't have the energy to walk across town to get somewhere and so having a stash of emergency bus fare sounds like a smart idea... As you recall your day and remember with utter distaste the look of arrogance on the faces of the people you serve as they trounce all over what little shred of self respect you have, and oh the movie in your head is playing a fantastic scene where you leap over the counter and grab the offensive person by the cuff of their shirt as you drag them out of the store telling them just how HOW much of a complete waste of space and fresh air they are as you toss them (with your MAGNIFICENT strength, because hey. It's the movies, yo) outside and they look at you and they realize their insolent behaviour, and then you realize that really, you'd be no better than them so you suck it up while they tell you that basically you're a piece of shit because you work in retail.
But then something happens while I sit there at my kitchen table. I have a realization that I am free. I am free to come and go as I please. I sit and listen to some good music, maybe something by Tom Waits, or Mazzy Star... maybe some Jeff Buckley or good ol' Emmylou Harris. I DO have a beer in the fridge, I find change in my pocket and get myself some fixin's to create a most amazing meal. And I may be sitting here, eating alone. Maybe there is some tears rolling down my face as I get a twinge of anxiety of how I have to go at it again tomorrow, but I realize that right now, right this very second, no one owns it but me. Not those assholes at the store, not the people out on the street, not the folks at the Legion (although, they're pretty cool...) not my neighbours, not my loved ones even. No one but me. And wow. I think I really like myself and myself's company.
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