Oh for Christ's Sake...

God dammit.
Why the hell do people have do be such assholes? I know that this doesn't really have any context, but folks, trust me, the assholes? They are out there in full force.

I called in sick to work today. Looks like the stress finally got to me. Which is STUPID because I know better than to let that kind of anxiety get to me. It seems to be however, that this occurs less and less as I begin to exorcise these demons of mine.

I've got a lot going on, for certain. Maybe not as many as the people around me, or the people in other parts of the world - where they suffer, starve and maime each other... but I suppose as a friend of mine has always said... it's really all relative.

So, whilst ignoring the phone, listening to Tom Waits and drinking coffee...I wrote out a list of "priorities". Now these aren't like the priorities of "do I wash the whites first or the darks?" or "what do I have for dinner? Chicken or Fish?" I am talking LIFE PRIORITIES. But, christ, what are life priorities anyway? What is life anyway?

A dear friend of mine said last night "Why can't we get a break?" I guess I feel like I am in over my head with all the shit that is going on in my life. I look at it now and realize that sure it's shit, but hey, it isn't going to last forever. Unless of course I die today, then I suppose in context it did last 'forever'.

Anyway! The priorities... I put myself as number one, of course. But see that is really a hard thing to do. Think about all of the things you execute in a day. Are they really for you? Even if they are for another person, do you benefit from it in the end? I find that some of the things that I have been doing have been not for myself at all... now that can't be all that bad right? But then there is that dirty word 'expectation' and it seems that I have fallen into that pot again. Dammit. I was doing really well there for a while. So, I decided to be very conscientious of what I do for whom and if I gain from it. It is then decided that I am going to be there for my friends, but in order to do this effectively I need to be there for myself, and that the energy I put in will have some sort of return. I suppose its a 'capital' idea?

Don't get me wrong, certainly it is not about solely searching to do things for your gain. Well... actually it is, but this, this is more defined as such: I like you, your company makes me feel happy, so yes, I will be there for you in some capacity so that you are happy, and therefore I will enjoy your company more.

See? I benefit because I like you already, and now you are happy and so then... I like you even MORE! Happy is good...

I have also decided that I am creating stress for myself (can you say UNHAPPY!?), because it is easier to wallow in the filth that life can be, rather than spend the energy and rise above it. So, rise I will! Or at least will when I finish my coffee.

I long for a life where I function as well as I envision myself being. Where I never put a condition on another person, where I can freely love a person and know that they have no fear of expectation, and that I don't as well. Where I don't have to explain or have fear of being misunderstood, and neither does the other person. I guess the only thing to do is actually try.

Like my horoscope for the day said... (whoa... freaky...)
"Look on life as a thrilling game, not as a drama."