Hi Internet!

Oh, how I've missed you. Really.

Where the hell... wait. How many fucking posts have I started with "So, where the hell have I been?" This folks, is not good. Or is it? Is this indicitive of me having a wild and crazy fun filled life, filled with so much stuff that I have no time to post a comment on the debaucherous behaviours that I so OBVIOUSLY am partaking in...

No.


No, I've just been a little bit trying to get out of my head. When you come home at the end of the night feeling totally shattered because you've seen more awful base people than you'd ever care to, and you wonder if the hatred that you feel welling up inside of you is at them or at yourself because in some small way you wish that you had the privileges and luxuries that they have, and only if you had listened years ago, maybe you would be successful at something; where you wish that for the amount of work you do everyday was compensated accordingly, that you wouldn't have to go to the corner store and buy Mr. Noodles because that is all you can afford after you've paid rent and your bills; where you wonder if maybe it's the liquor, a drink would be nice right about now as you wash your clothes in your kitchen sink because the 4 dollars it costs to wash and dry could buy you something to eat over next few days, and hey. Maybe you'll just simply won't have the energy to walk across town to get somewhere and so having a stash of emergency bus fare sounds like a smart idea... As you recall your day and remember with utter distaste the look of arrogance on the faces of the people you serve as they trounce all over what little shred of self respect you have, and oh the movie in your head is playing a fantastic scene where you leap over the counter and grab the offensive person by the cuff of their shirt as you drag them out of the store telling them just how HOW much of a complete waste of space and fresh air they are as you toss them (with your MAGNIFICENT strength, because hey. It's the movies, yo) outside and they look at you and they realize their insolent behaviour, and then you realize that really, you'd be no better than them so you suck it up while they tell you that basically you're a piece of shit because you work in retail.

But then something happens while I sit there at my kitchen table. I have a realization that I am free. I am free to come and go as I please. I sit and listen to some good music, maybe something by Tom Waits, or Mazzy Star... maybe some Jeff Buckley or good ol' Emmylou Harris. I DO have a beer in the fridge, I find change in my pocket and get myself some fixin's to create a most amazing meal. And I may be sitting here, eating alone. Maybe there is some tears rolling down my face as I get a twinge of anxiety of how I have to go at it again tomorrow, but I realize that right now, right this very second, no one owns it but me. Not those assholes at the store, not the people out on the street, not the folks at the Legion (although, they're pretty cool...) not my neighbours, not my loved ones even. No one but me. And wow. I think I really like myself and myself's company.