I will remember you...

I had the strangest dream last night. Well, I wouldn't say it was strange per say, but the people in the dream, I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time. This was not entirely strange, but enough to make me think (See? More thinking...). I feel a deep release is about to follow...

You see, the people that I had dreamed about (actually they are a couple) - we used to be really good friends. The young woman was my best friend for a long time. Of course, things change in a persons life, events take place. People grow apart, things fall apart. Now, the realization that I have is of course, these people were obviously important to me and why the hell would I employ a lack of effort in order to keep this friendship alive, which ended up causing the end of it? Sure, people argue, people get mad - referencing a past post - people can be difficult friends, but certainly are worth the work. I sit baffled at times: How could I let pride, selfish pride, destroy a friendship that had been deep and (what I had hoped) lasting?

I remember the day she cut off all her hair (she had really long hair) - I remember we sat in Starbucks, her hair falling around her face - her blue eyes shining bright as she grew more excited about it. I remember we would sit on my parents patio, I'd smoke cigarettes, we'd drink wine and beer, Grandma would come out and chat with us. I remember the time she took me into Birks and showed me the ring she wanted when she got engaged to her boyfriend. They get married soon, nearly 10 years later. I remember the day she quit her job downtown. Oh, how she hated that job. I remember taking her to Catus Club and we'd get loaded off martinis as we bitched about the world. I remember how we held each others hearts when the tough got real tough in both our lives. I remember the demise of this relationship, as if it were yesterday. I remember watching in horror as it fell apart. I remember wishing I wasn't so stubborn and proud, so desperate to be right, to be on top, how I wanted so desperately to be humble. I remember the way we coldly ignored each other at a barbeque. I remember getting married and wishing that I just sucked it up and said I was sorry, but knew that it was too late, our lives had changed so much that it would only hurt too much. I remember after I left my husband, I heard the news that she was getting married. I remember how bitter I felt, then sad, because I was only bitter at myself.

I look now and I have discovered that our culture has made it difficult for women to have healthy, happy relationships with each other. It is ingrained in us to fight for equality, but at the cost of our fellow womanfriends. We cut the balls off the boys, but also sever the ovaries of the girls. We start out as friends for life, people who will protect each other and be sisters. But then we start to undermine each other, undercut each other. Then we cover it up with "girl chat" and superficial activities - so that the pain we feel as we hurt our girlfriends and ourselves is numbed. Over time, the scars stop healing because we have poisoned the blood bond to a point where all is left is a rotting corpse that once was a beautiful friendship.

We work hard on our relationships with the partners in our lives, but why not the bestfriends? Why is it okay to treat them like crap and figure it's okay?

I don't know what the point of all this is. I doubt very much she even thinks about me at all. Sadly although truthfully - I am alright with that. In fact it's probably for the best. We've both changed so much, and I am content with the good memories that I have. But I will say this, where you can find it if you want it, and I can finally put it to rest:

Tracy, I am sorry.