Still away...

Ohhh, what is this machine that I am so delightfully tickling with my fingers? Ahh, I miss the computer.
I am still away... and sadly will be for awhile longer. But not to worry, life is ever changing.

Have courage my friends; stand tall and stand firm even if life throws cream pies in your direction. Because you know what? You may be hurt for a time, wondering what the hell did I do to have this happen? Well you can sit and wallow in your self pity or you can go and have a shower.

Currently, I am having a good long shower.

I love you all
Namaste

Folks...

I am going to be away for a while. I thought that I could at least let you all know, seeings how I am such a fab writer and that you may go through Gwyn withdrawl! I am taking some time away. We can leave it at that.

So, until then...

Its been a long day?

Well, its 5.05am and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I have had probably one of the worst and best days of my life. I don't want to get into it... I imagine that it would just depress all the folks here...

I saw Darth Vader on the sky train today.

I had way too much to drink, and was contemplating text messaging all the people I knew. I am an amazingly strong woman, I didn't do a thing. Except to call my friend Sam who I haven't talked to in a very long time... total luck, she had moved out a long time ago, and just happened to be at her parents house when I called. Hope to hear from her...

I spent the majority of the day with my head in a pint. So much so I left my boxes at Hez's place... I will have to get those back from her tomorrow I guess.

I miss drinking Guinness, but I have lost so much weight that the pint was HEAVY... lol. I found that I was burning more calories than the beer was worth... I had some of the most digusting food too, but you know? Sometimes disgusting food can be such a dream to eat...

I tried the crane pose for Hez at her house, and I fell into the desk... I am so ashamed...I think her roomie thinks I am nuts.

Yoga should not be practiced when one is inebriated.

I learned that emotional intellegence is a very valid study... Perhaps they will use me as an example? I am feeling slightly emotional... or is it the beer...?

I think I am at 91 rounds of booze...

THEME OF THE DAY: BEER, BAR and ROCK N' ROLL

2 pints of guinness, 1.5 pints of granville honey lager, 2 bottles of shaftsbury four twenty and a mudslide...equals one very drunk woman... who wants to take advantage? Only sexy men need apply (or women; you know who you are... want some chocolate?).
93.5 rounds of booze on the wall... Take one down, and give it to Gwyn... who has had a shitty day... go to the liquor store again... 93 rounds of booze on the wall, 93 rounds of booze... too drunk to finish this post, I think I will go and eat some dry toast...

Sad thing is? this has been the theme even before I started drinking... sigh.

:P

A SHORT POST FOR DAVE

There you go. Your very own post. And its short!
:D

Some Good Stuff... (and some not so good stuff)...

I just got word that my company has an ad in the ReelWest 2005 on-line digest. So very cool... but holy shit! I wonder what will come of this?

You know I am amazed at myself sometimes. I know that sounds rather concieted and perhaps it is, but I just can't believe that in a few short months I have done so well in this little creative process. Gives me good meaning to my life, and such happiness, because I get to make nice things for nice people!

I got to finish up my ring tonight! Well, almost. There is a step that we can't do in class because it is extremely expensive to do. The teach takes the pieces home and tumbles them in a tumbler solution of soap, water and BUCKSHOT! Actually its steel shot, but really - isn't that the same thing? This process makes the pieces super shiny. I get to set my star ruby next week... should prove to be interesting. I tried teaching myself prong setting and ended up stabbing my knuckle with a bezel pusher and had a bruise for a week (note: to set prongs, you use a bezel pusher, but to set a bezel you use a prong pusher... I really don't get it). So I was really excited because I had loads of time to start and finish my second project, which is for a friend, until...ARRRRGH!

'Kay, so there is this thing called firescale? It is pure EVIL. Big, pure purple EVIL. I don't really know where it comes from, something to do with the copper in the silver becomes oxidized from too much heat something, something. The piece is pretty big, so you can see it from miles away. Well, being the anal retentive perfectionist that I am, I wanted to get rid of it. I asked the teach for a how-to method and she said only way to get rid of it is to file, FILE it all off. This was at 7.30pm. It took me an hour. And twenty minutes. I went through 2 emery boards, split my finger from the friction (thank god for callouses), and my contact lenses fell out from all the dust. But DAMN is it shiny... I wonder if I should charge him now... :P

I have fallen in love with Black Star Sapphires. These babies are grey black with a 'star' that sort of appears inside the stone. If I could, I would buy one for everyone I know, but at 50 dollars a carat, and the average carat wieght for these babies being 2-3 carats, thats too rich for my blood. I love my friends, but hey I gotta eat! I am able to get a good discount (50%), so that takes away some of the pain, but even still.. ouch.

What else is going on here in my little world? Well, I would tell you, but I'd need lots of beer. Lots and lots of beer. Coma-inducing amounts of beer. Yup - it's that great. Bah.

Oh oh! I can now officially do the Crane Pose! Yay me! (except if I am not totally focused, I fall on my face!)

MEN TAKE NOTE:

Asking who wants to go on a mountain climbing expedition seems to attact women...
so far: Ladies 4 - Men 0...
who wouldn't want to be around with four women in a tent?
lol

I can't sleep...

My mind is whirling. I feel good. I think the wheel is in its upswing? I know that there will be dark times ahead, but I feel like I can get through them. I realized just now, surfing through the sea of pages that I have momentarily forgotten the beautiful things. I know of so many things that are beautiful to me: Peonies - such a beautiful flower; weeping willows; glassy lakes; mist and fog. The steel blue of the mountains. The Ocean...

Standing on the edge of the world, and looking out. My favourite place is a bluff between Chesterman Beach and Cox Bay on the West coast of Vancouver Island. You walk from the 'new' Wick, and make your way to the far end, past the bend, and on the the second part of Chesterman Beach. Keep walking, and you come to an end. Climb up the brokendown path and walk along until you come to a road. Walk up the road and head towards the bluff. You have to climb through the trees, and even some bush, but you arrive high above the sea. Look out, the waves swell, the sky is expansive. All you have is the sound of the water crashing against the rocks below.
Sad part is that its part of a property development (lot #1 or 2), so I may never get to go there again... I miss that place.

The Stars...
I haven't seen the stars in so long. I miss them. Watching the comets and the meteor showers reminds me how we are so small in comparison and how truly insignificant the issues are that we have. I think on how many people haven't actually seen the stars in their fullest glory. There is nothing more magical than spending time with good people and staring at the sky. Find a grassy hill out of the city, and look out to the heavens. My favourite stargazing moment is with my Uncle Ray; we drank screwdrivers and watched the skies until the wee hours of the morning. We were in a small town outside of Parksville and it was so very dark. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen so many stars...

Wow, this is crazy...

So, there seems to be some serious looking into about this mountain expedition. I think that metaphorically, Kilimanjaro is appropriate for the current situation that is my life. Big... Scary... lots of wild animals...ummm.... a volcano... gee... Ice caps... takes forever to conquer, overcome.
Yup, sounds pretty accurate.

But! But!... What if I am successful in my current situation, the outcome positive... what if - I actually went and did it anyway?

It would fulfill so many dreams of mine. Visiting Africa; being outdoors - in Africa; climbing a big mountain - in Africa... wow. Talk about an achievement. I could hear the questions now... "So, Gwyn, what did you do over the christmas holidays?" "I climbed Kilimanjaro."
whoa.

So, I have decided, why not. It takes away from my current condition, and allows me to focus on something a little less stressful. I get to be inspired by natures beauty, and get to be out doors. I can enjoy the company of friends. I would get to use some of the Yoga exercises that I have learned - testing both the physical and mental body. Clean out the clutter that is in my head and has got me in this dreary state.

Dreariness begone! I want to climb a mountain, conquer the mountain. I want to stand on the summit and point to the heavens and say: I have made it. I am alive!

lol, I am so bizarre sometimes.

I can climb any mountain...

I have decided that I, me, Gwyneth - am going to climb a mountain. Literally. I have my sights on Mount Kilimanjaro. Who wants to come?

There is always hope...

I was talking to my mom today about a family friend that I have. This person, who will remain nameless is a fabulous dutch man who my step-dad met while travelling through Europe. He is a kind and gentle soul.
I have fond memories of him. He taught me to appreciate the music of Santana; we used to sit in my house and he would talk to me about the music, the rhythm. He was the only adult I knew who understood my passion for music, how it brings a light into your heart, how it fills you up. Sure, your family is proud, and they come to your recitals, but he was different. In a way I loved him more because of that. He tried to teach me the coordination for drumming even, but alas that I could not do. I would sit in awesome facination as he would drum out a beat with his hands, timed to the music, yet somehow it was his very own. He had such kind eyes, and a warm heart.
He was having a lot of difficulties in his life at the time I met him. His wife, two children and him were not getting along. He drank alot. Alot. He was one of those people who would sit and drink glass after glass, he would polish off one of those four litre jugs of wine in an evening. I was too young to really understand all that was going on, all I remember is his face would get pink, his nose bright red. His eyes would look sadder. He would laugh a hearty laugh, but you could hear the resignation in it.
The last time I saw him, I was 22. It was just after Christmas, and we were visiting him in the hospital. He had to have surgery done due to his excess drinking. He and his girlfriend of many years had spilt up, and he was sprialing down into the depths of dispair, the depths of his glass. We went to the room where he was, he looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot, the blood vessels on his nose were broken. His stomach was distended from the surgery, and the staples were pulling on his skin. I cried. I thought what has life done to this man? What is it that make us do these things to ourselves? This gentle man, his family hates him, and he hates himself.
I was still a smoker then, and wheeled him outside while my parents talked to the doctor about his condition. We sat and smoked cigarettes, talked about life. We talked about music, like the old days. I told him I didn't really do it anymore, I never went to school for it. He looked sad. He said everyone needs a passion in their life. Don't lose yours. We chatted about our lives, about him. He had a hard time talking about his problems. I told him he was special to me. He told me his kids don't tell him that. Tears were in his eyes; he cried. I was looking at a man who felt as if no one ever loved him. I hugged him and told him I would always be there for him. I would always carry him in my heart.
I was so sad when we left. I cried in my room when we got home, listened to some good music, even tried a little rhythm myself, and cried some more.
I talked to him briefly at Christmas in 2003. He had heard that I was very sick, and that I was starting a new journey in my life. He was talking to my dad and had asked to speak with me. On the phone I could hear his soft voice, with his funny dutch accent. He told me that I saved his life, that he will never forget how happy I made him feel that day. That he would always, always carry that in his heart. I cried that night.
Just a few weeks ago, I got a call from my mother. It was about my gentle dutch man. He was living in his car, a completely desolate alcholic. My dad had gone to look for him, and found him. He was ready to end it all. My dad talked with him, asked him why. He said he felt so alone. He couldn't talk to anyone, he felt like a burden, a failure. That he has so few happy memories. Then he said that the memories that keep him alive are the ones when we came to visit him that day, how much that meant to him. He cried. He cried my mom told me. I felt so sad.

Today I found out that my friend is now in detox. He will be for a long time. He was going to commit suicide, but he stopped himself. My dad with a little help convinced him that this was not the way, that there is always hope.

Although I am not an alcholic or at the end of my rope, I am still terrible at telling people what I am truly feeling. Reaching out is never easy for me. In a way I am kind of like my dutch friend. We never want to bother someone, we never want to be a hassle, or a pain. When we do, we feel guilty. We feel bad. We think that the other doesn't want to take the time. Or we feel that way when they don't have the time, even if it is unrelated. So often we try to reach out, only to become mute by these feelings. We sit and instead of being open we ask inane questions. Deep at the heart of it, we want to talk, to tell, to cry. This is such an unhealthy practice - ultimately causing dispair.

I am glad to hear that my gentle friend is trying to get better. He is making a change. His life as it's been, is helping me change. I don't want to fall so far down that I can't get out. I am slowly starting to be honest about what I am feeling, how I am feeling. It's hard, I still trip over reaching out, not quite sure what to say, how to start. So many times, starting a conversation, trying - but not quite succeeding. I suppose when you take the first step, you have to realize that you are likely to fall. You may feel too weak in heart to do this, that it is too hard, but you must realize you took the first step. My dutch friend is taking his first steps, and is subsequently teaching me another rhythm.

Funny. I suppose in the end it is he who is there for me.

Okay, okay...okay..okay, okay...

So, WTF is up with me? Geeze, I am trying to be deep and with feeling - attempting to understand the universe, imparting deep philosophical notions on ways to look at the world, to not let things get to you - to live your life, and yet I can't even keep myself out of a funk. WTF?

YET again deleting a post that is expressing this dark period. Well, yes the world can be an awful place... and it might be right now, but no more. So this post is about the positivities of Gwyn.

I can walk. I can eat Indian food and Japanese food. I can do the four limbed staff pose and the boat pose for more than 5 seconds. I can almost do the crane pose, and the firefly pose. I am able to put my head past my knees when standing. I can do... 18 manly-man push ups in a row. I have a great laugh. And a wicked smile. I don't have to wear a bra all the time (yes).

I don't have a terminal illness. I can take a vitamin B shot in the arm and not cry.

My eyes are the natural blue that you see. I don't need botox, and know I will never want it. I am 5 feet 3.5 inches! I am able to meditate for more than 10 minutes without going crazy. I have my own business. I take metal and make it into something worthwhile, something meaningful, something beautiful. I am an artist. I am creative.

I have neat handwriting, when I choose to write by hand. I love to write. I can sing a wicked bad ass musical number, and dance at the same time. I can do a soft shuffle. I can do a cartwheel sometimes... and when I can't, I fall over and love it! I can drink beer. I know beer. I love beer. But I don't have a beer gut! I quit smoking. I have my health.

I can lose myself in the moment. I can be uninhibited. I am emotional - and I love very hard. I am passionate. I feel everything, and care for everyone.

I had a 3.87 GPA after the summer semester in college; thats 3 A's and 2 -A's. I am intellegent and funny. I can use electic tools, and saws don't scare me. I can work in a high end boutique or a paper mill - and I can find the fun in either. I can (and have) build bird houses out of popsicle sticks without plans.

I can say that I have lived on 2 continents. I can say that I have lived, that I have experience. With that, I can help a person through a crisis. I can help myself. I can laugh at my dire situation, because I know that I am going to get through this. I can say I love my friends, and that they love me back. I can say that we will always be there for each other. With all honesty I can say that I am a good person, and I can do anything, survive anything, and no one, NO ONE can or will take that away from me.



I feel better... now if I can just get through this...

Do you want to share a box of candy?

Sitting here at 4.00 am... Can't sleep. Too much going on. Having thoughts travelling. I was sad earlier. Alone inside my head. Got tired of being sad. Got tired of seeing my sadness on the blog, so I removed it. Too much honesty, I agree. The recollections that bring my rays of hope, they have saved me. Realize that life isn't going to always be easy, but you have memories that fill you with joy, love and happiness, even if happiness seems so remote. These memories... they envelope me in a blanket of silk and satin...

I enjoy these salacious thoughts, like tiny morsels of exotic candy. I sigh a deep sultry sigh. I speak in quiet tones. The timbre of my voice is the colour of amber and fire. I think of certain moments in my carefully protected box of candies, and savour them. These memories are my wonderful saving grace.

Do you ever think about those who had bestowed you with these sweet thoughts? I think on some and wonder: What is he thinking of now? What is he doing? Does he ever think of me? Does he have the same memories as I do?

When you remember something, is it like a collective subconscious - and the other person is hit with the same memory at the same time? Are you savoring a moment that you spent together, together? Does it feel the same? Or are you alone in your private viewing room of memories?

These memories are half pictures, and I long for in some circumstances to finish what was started. The canvas sits half painted, the image not quite complete. Would you ever benefit from it if you finished it? If you took the time and found the subject of your memory-picture and tried to finish the sweet decadence you started, would it satisfy the deep need? Would the end result be the fantasy that is in your head? Or are your expectations so high that you set yourself up for failure, thus the once sweet thought becomes bitter? Do you - should you take that chance?

I long to reach out and ask in a timbre of amber and fire:
Do you want share a box of candy?

GWYNEVERE PERSEVERES THE HEART PALPATATIONS!!!!

that was for hez.
love ya doll

No more a slave...

Well, I've re-read my post from this morning, and for someone who had a few, I am glad to see I didn't write anything incredibly stupid. I checked the sent boxes on all my e-mail addresses (I have 5!), and I know I didn't make any late night phone calls, because I hate the phone, regardless of how much beer I have had.

I wonder if I am a PSA waiting to happen...

The pain in the chest is more or less gone now. I am sure there are a few of you who are wondering why I would go out after all that. Here is my answer:

When I was sick, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything because I was afraid. I was scared to leave my house, I couldn't even have a shower with no one home. I was always fearful something would happen, my limbs would stop functioning, my body would reject itself. Even on my good days, I would just sit. I was afraid of people I didn't know, I was afraid of people I did know. I was paralysed by my own fear, by the fear of others. I allowed myself to be confined, and allowed others to confine me. I watched my life go by, and I wasn't in it.

I have had very scary things told to me during this journey. I would sit day in and day out being told what the possibilities were. I would in some cases have to wait weeks for results. Instead of living my life to its fullest (within the capacity that I could at the time) - as if I had one day to live, I hid. I was allowing myself to be controlled by thoughts, notions and possibilities - all intangible. I had such a fatalistic look on life, I lost the joy. I focused on my dark morbid thoughts, or worse, those of others. Death superceeded Life. I lost the love for life. My spirit died.

There is damage that will take time to heal. Fear has eaten away so much of me. I am taking this which affects me, and I am looking at it now from a different perspective: We may not wake up in the morning. We will one day simply stop. Our candle snuffed out. I don't know when the end is. I know though, I do not want to be a slave to fear. I am tired of being governed by hesitations. I want to reclaim life. I want to feel life. Not be an empty shell of a person. Not allowing myself to be affected by others and not stopping it. I have opened my eyes.

If you can accept that death is inevitable, perhaps the world seems less frightening? Perhaps you would take more chances, stand up for yourself? Perhaps you would do what you feel in your heart and not be confined by your fear or the fear of those around you? Perhaps the focus would then be on living?

So, sure - yesterday mornings' events were a serious matter. It was serious for 5 hours. I was then told I was fine: I pulled something, I needed to de stress, take "a pill" and get some sleep. I woke up in the afternoon reeling. I have to take it easy I said to myself. So typical. There is nothing wrong with you. Why sit in the house and agonize over a situation that isn't a situation anymore?

You want to know something though? As I was lying there on the bed in the ER, I was thinking of all the things I hadn't done. All the things I wanted to say. All of it. I cried. I lied in that bed and cried. The sad thing is, even after that experience, I was still afraid. I am still afraid. Will it ever end? Is fear maybe, truly a mechanism for survival? Preventing us from doing things that we really want, because the task is too great, hard, scary, deadly? Do we listen to our heart? Or our head? My heart screams while my head suffocates it.

I had a blast last night. I got to let go, and enjoy life. For a brief moment, I was living. If I gave into the fear of what others would have thought and my fear of wanting approval, I would be denying myself the right to enjoy life. I can't let that happen anymore. I miss life, I miss it with such desperation. I cry - no more, please. Just... no more.

So to those who worry please, I love you - but don't - I beg you. Give me something other than your fear. Give me joy, give me love. Give me freedom.

The times you hesitate, you lose time. You lose life. You edit and re-edit your thoughts, what you want to say. How you want to say it. The whole time you lose. You miss your window of opportunity. I do it all the time. I am doing it right now. I have so much to learn. Oh God, I have so much to learn.

Don't be afraid. You know what you want, you know in your heart. Don't wait.
Life is too short.

Mercury in Retrograde...

Got to see Retrograde play a few hours ago. Absolutely amazing. You don't know who they are? Shame on you! Got to go with Hez and KN. Hadn't seen Hez in a really long time. I miss her.

Was a beautiful show, and a beautiful reunion. I know one of the members; we hadn't seen each other in 3 years. Nice way to see someone after so long. So a big heartfelt congrats to TH for the success of his and his bands second album, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

Want to let the masses know that the ticker is doing well. In fact, Advil is the most amazing thing ever. Takes care of my migraines... and my cardiac pains... harhar.

Thats about it, unless you want to hear me blabber on, since I've had a few...


Wine and Beer!

I totally forgot!...

So on Tuesday I had my first silversmithing class. I found it to be so awesome! Our teach was late, and I had missed last class (so the first one) and had to wait before I could do anything. I caught up by the 2nd hour (whoohoo!) and nearly finished my piece. I successfully made a sterling silver band which will have a bezeled star ruby as the accent. I should have that done, as well as another piece by the end of next class. Folks, if you ever, EVER wanted to try something like this, I recommend it. The sense of accomplishment is amazing. You take a strip of silver, and turn it into a highly polished (like a mirror!) beautiful (well, that's what I think) piece of jewellery. This is going to open up so many things for me with regards to the creative process. After bending metal to your fancy, working a blow torch (which are really really tiny... no flame throwers...) and changing the structure molecularly... (I am talking Ions baby. You tell them what to do.) you feel like you could make just about anything. So, this being a thing that I can do, I have started looking for studio space. Need good ventilation, place for propane tanks, a kiln and a jewellers bench, among other things. How cool is this? It's like a dream come true.


'Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.' - Mark Twain

Ach, my aching heart...

DC and KN are the greatest. Bless these guys and putting up with me.

In short blunt fashion at 2.00 this morning I thought my heart was giving out, called DC, got to go the hospital and have funky machines hooked up to me, and lie in a bed for 4.5 hours. Turns out I am okay - the muscles of the chest wall are wigging out, not the major ticker herself. (My thyroid drugs, they stimulate the metabolism, and subsequently the heart. If I get weird heart pains I gotsta go to the doctor asap...what a shitty day.) But no needles! YAY!

But I did get to experience some of the strangest things... hospitals are just weird. I suppose if they weren't people would go there all the time. I was put next to a woman who had something like chronic hiccups...

So, thanks y'all, you guys are sweet.

I'll have two thanks...

Wow, I feel slightly uh... drunk
Went out and got my hair done today, er rather tonight, er... last night?
My stylist (yes, I have a STYLIST), she fed me liquor as I shared deep dark secrets. None of which I will share with you. Sorry folks!
So yeah, that was it...
alabama slammers are great...

We're a PSA waiting to happen...

My god, what a slightly surreal day. DC and I went out to look for fields. Yup, fields. We needed a specific size of field, and it had to have certain characteristics, and well, needless to say there aren't many of these fields that DC was looking for. Its amazing what people will deem as green space. I suppose if it is green, and a space...?

So after all was said and done with regards to the field search, we went to the marina off of Barnet Hwy to chat and look for, you guessed it, fields.

Ever seen two drunk guys in a motor boat almost crash into the rocky shore, with a tiny whiney dog? Believe it, it happens.

I have come up with a theory. I believe that the NYTIMES crossword puzzle is a coded message that only crossworder types can decipher. They aren't really trying to figure out what another word for plethora is, or trying to be the witty one who can spell a word 2 different ways and maintain the same meaning... nope. Its a plot I tell ya. To take over the world. The little blacked in squares? Maps. Think about it...

:)

25 bucks an hour...

Wow, I honestly didn't think I would ever have a job that paid that...
mind you... all the labour, more like 25 cents an hour...

Well, my little market fair did well. I even got a potential wedding client, which is fabulous. Even if I don't end up making anything for her, it was still nice to have that opportunity, and the interest.

So I am in the process of finding out what other little markets I can do, since it seems to be rather lucrative. The next big event for me is in July, and I will certainly be busy working on that project. Who knows, maybe I will actually become one of those designers found in InStyle magazine! I also start my silversmithing course on Tuesday, and if I have a knack for that I will be starting my rings collection, which I have been designing for a while now (in my head of course!).

More exciting news, I am going on a business trip in June to Edmonton (whoohoo!), where I will be shopping for new supplies like rubies and sapphires and emeralds... Keep an eye out for more stuff on the website too! I am currently in the process of creating a new line of products. I hope to have these designs done by mid July, in time for the fall and winter seasons.

In other news...

On the 12th of May, if you are not doing anything, and you are in beautiful Vancouver B. C., I suggest you get down to the Red Room, located at 398 Richards Street for 9pm and check out a local band called Retrograde. They are releasing their second album; a follow up to the successful EP titled 'Headphones', which was released in October of 2004. The album, titled 'This Frequency We Share', has some very kick ass tunes. Tix are 10 bucks and at the door, and you get a copy of the CD. Guest bands are Doubting Paris and Motion Soundtrack.

Still haven't figured out what colour my wings are yet, but I have been thinking about the metamorphisis. It's funny, you can get all caught up in the change that you are going through, and in a sense it almost feels like a unique experience. You believe that other people will be the same - you however have evolved. What a silly egotistical thought!

Went out for dinner with DC, KA and JC, all of whom I hadn't really seen in awhile. It was nice to kick back and just enjoy. I highly suggest that you try the Wu-Tangtini at Cactus Club, sweet jesus it is fabulous!

Gotta go, just got a phone call I have been waiting for...

Diamonds, Rubies and Pearls...

Well not quite, but certainly some very pretty gemstones to say the least. What the hell am I talking about? Well, I am going to be at a market fair that is being held at a local church in my neighbourhood (Our Lady of Lourdes, to be exact) in Maillardville (or Coquitlam, whatever). I am selling mostly earrings, but I will have some necklaces and bracelets for sale too. It is on Saturday, May 7th from 9am until 2pm.
I seem to have made an interesting collection...everything is from 5-20 dollars, some stuff maybe a little more... so if you are interested... come check it out! You can check out my website too: www.bluelotuscanada.com which shows my custom work, and high end stuff. It's small but, hey I only just put it up like 2.5 weeks ago...

Ahh, blogs are great, I can shamelessly plug my own business, and only feel slightly guilty...

other than that, the world is good, the sun is shining and the days are getting longer. The nights are warmer. I am getting a lot of work done, and feel like it is starting to move forward. Slowly but surely. I've been re-connecting with old friends; making plans to do things. I feel like a new person, a metamorphisis. I'll keep you posted on the colour of my wings...

Namaste

The reconnection

Do you ever wonder what someone is doing? So long ago, you would know what they were doing, you cared deeply to find out what they were doing. How are you? we would ask the someones in our lives. What have you been up to? Then for strange reasons, we stop. Do we stop caring? Do we simply forget? These people, we spent so much time nurturing, tending to and loving - we just stop? What makes us do that? Someone is irritating me, I hear, I say. Someone is being a jerk, and not caring, so why should I? I don't have the time...

I urge you all to take a moment and reconnect. Phone or e-mail that someone you have been thinking about. They are important to you, they must be or else you wouldn't be thinking about them. Sure our lives may change, and we seem different to ourselves and to others, but these people remain within our souls, because they were so important, and continue to be so. You cared once, would it be so difficult to care just a little bit more? So many of us say we are lonely, but we are lonely only because we put ourselves there. We were the ones who stopped trying.

Of course, it may not always be a positive event, someone may just not want you in their lives. But know this, it takes courage to walk forward and reach out. The act of overcoming the fear is in itself a wonderful healing tool. The fear is real, but it is only fear. Easier said than done, certainly - but once you step over that barrier of fear, the world is a bright and beautiful place.

Namaste.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

Well, this has been a while now hasn't it? I think the last time I wrote anything down on this blog, I was sitting at a desk in a psychology office, and was wondering 'what the hell am I going to do with my life?', 'why do I feel like crap, still?', 'ahh, I won't have a computer anymore after this week...'

Well, turns out I still felt like crap because I was STILL sick, and after 2.5 years, it gets to be a bit much. Well for those who care, I am better and I would like to say: lets get a beer!

What have I been doing all this time? Other than recovering, I have been learning about life. Contemplating the Cosmos. Meditating on the notion of being, and nothing else. Understanding that I am the controller of my emotions, my desires. No one else is to blame for my mistakes. I cannot hold people responsible for my anger, my sadness, or even my joy. Only I can control all of this. 'But how?', I ask myself. 'How can other people be absolved, when they are to blame?' Nuh-uh, I wispered to my Self, only I can control how I feel. People may contribute, but it is ultimately I who chooses to accept it, and let it affect me. It is I who is to blame for these feelings, because I allow it. Further, with being sick - no one can make me feel better, except myself. I can't expect my friends or my family to continually burn energy in order to make me feel better. I am stealing from them; their energy, in order for me to feel better. Don't get me wrong, having friends and family help is good and healthy, but there are times when you need to realize that your needs cannot always be met by others, and that you must take hold of them yourself. I cannot continue with this, as I must take responsibility for my Self. So I did. I withdrew. I focused on what mattered to me. I let go of things that were burning inside of me, I made a pact with my Self that when I am stronger, I will mend bridges, accept losses, attempt new things, not be afraid, to live life as I have always intended. With joy.

So, here I am. Ready to take on the world. I have kicked habits, started a new company, and am in the process of re-connecting with those who I feel are special and important to me. I want to love the life that I had lost for so long. To embace everything and anything. To be accepting of my Self. To be giving, without losing my Self. To say sorry. To say 'I love you'. To admit I am wrong and to accept others without judgement. To learn more. To listen more - not just to the words, but to the voice. To see the world with different eyes, to be inspired. To inspire.

Thank you to all the people in my life who love me, you are truly the rare gems of this world.

Namaste.