No more a slave...

Well, I've re-read my post from this morning, and for someone who had a few, I am glad to see I didn't write anything incredibly stupid. I checked the sent boxes on all my e-mail addresses (I have 5!), and I know I didn't make any late night phone calls, because I hate the phone, regardless of how much beer I have had.

I wonder if I am a PSA waiting to happen...

The pain in the chest is more or less gone now. I am sure there are a few of you who are wondering why I would go out after all that. Here is my answer:

When I was sick, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything because I was afraid. I was scared to leave my house, I couldn't even have a shower with no one home. I was always fearful something would happen, my limbs would stop functioning, my body would reject itself. Even on my good days, I would just sit. I was afraid of people I didn't know, I was afraid of people I did know. I was paralysed by my own fear, by the fear of others. I allowed myself to be confined, and allowed others to confine me. I watched my life go by, and I wasn't in it.

I have had very scary things told to me during this journey. I would sit day in and day out being told what the possibilities were. I would in some cases have to wait weeks for results. Instead of living my life to its fullest (within the capacity that I could at the time) - as if I had one day to live, I hid. I was allowing myself to be controlled by thoughts, notions and possibilities - all intangible. I had such a fatalistic look on life, I lost the joy. I focused on my dark morbid thoughts, or worse, those of others. Death superceeded Life. I lost the love for life. My spirit died.

There is damage that will take time to heal. Fear has eaten away so much of me. I am taking this which affects me, and I am looking at it now from a different perspective: We may not wake up in the morning. We will one day simply stop. Our candle snuffed out. I don't know when the end is. I know though, I do not want to be a slave to fear. I am tired of being governed by hesitations. I want to reclaim life. I want to feel life. Not be an empty shell of a person. Not allowing myself to be affected by others and not stopping it. I have opened my eyes.

If you can accept that death is inevitable, perhaps the world seems less frightening? Perhaps you would take more chances, stand up for yourself? Perhaps you would do what you feel in your heart and not be confined by your fear or the fear of those around you? Perhaps the focus would then be on living?

So, sure - yesterday mornings' events were a serious matter. It was serious for 5 hours. I was then told I was fine: I pulled something, I needed to de stress, take "a pill" and get some sleep. I woke up in the afternoon reeling. I have to take it easy I said to myself. So typical. There is nothing wrong with you. Why sit in the house and agonize over a situation that isn't a situation anymore?

You want to know something though? As I was lying there on the bed in the ER, I was thinking of all the things I hadn't done. All the things I wanted to say. All of it. I cried. I lied in that bed and cried. The sad thing is, even after that experience, I was still afraid. I am still afraid. Will it ever end? Is fear maybe, truly a mechanism for survival? Preventing us from doing things that we really want, because the task is too great, hard, scary, deadly? Do we listen to our heart? Or our head? My heart screams while my head suffocates it.

I had a blast last night. I got to let go, and enjoy life. For a brief moment, I was living. If I gave into the fear of what others would have thought and my fear of wanting approval, I would be denying myself the right to enjoy life. I can't let that happen anymore. I miss life, I miss it with such desperation. I cry - no more, please. Just... no more.

So to those who worry please, I love you - but don't - I beg you. Give me something other than your fear. Give me joy, give me love. Give me freedom.

The times you hesitate, you lose time. You lose life. You edit and re-edit your thoughts, what you want to say. How you want to say it. The whole time you lose. You miss your window of opportunity. I do it all the time. I am doing it right now. I have so much to learn. Oh God, I have so much to learn.

Don't be afraid. You know what you want, you know in your heart. Don't wait.
Life is too short.