WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

Well, this has been a while now hasn't it? I think the last time I wrote anything down on this blog, I was sitting at a desk in a psychology office, and was wondering 'what the hell am I going to do with my life?', 'why do I feel like crap, still?', 'ahh, I won't have a computer anymore after this week...'

Well, turns out I still felt like crap because I was STILL sick, and after 2.5 years, it gets to be a bit much. Well for those who care, I am better and I would like to say: lets get a beer!

What have I been doing all this time? Other than recovering, I have been learning about life. Contemplating the Cosmos. Meditating on the notion of being, and nothing else. Understanding that I am the controller of my emotions, my desires. No one else is to blame for my mistakes. I cannot hold people responsible for my anger, my sadness, or even my joy. Only I can control all of this. 'But how?', I ask myself. 'How can other people be absolved, when they are to blame?' Nuh-uh, I wispered to my Self, only I can control how I feel. People may contribute, but it is ultimately I who chooses to accept it, and let it affect me. It is I who is to blame for these feelings, because I allow it. Further, with being sick - no one can make me feel better, except myself. I can't expect my friends or my family to continually burn energy in order to make me feel better. I am stealing from them; their energy, in order for me to feel better. Don't get me wrong, having friends and family help is good and healthy, but there are times when you need to realize that your needs cannot always be met by others, and that you must take hold of them yourself. I cannot continue with this, as I must take responsibility for my Self. So I did. I withdrew. I focused on what mattered to me. I let go of things that were burning inside of me, I made a pact with my Self that when I am stronger, I will mend bridges, accept losses, attempt new things, not be afraid, to live life as I have always intended. With joy.

So, here I am. Ready to take on the world. I have kicked habits, started a new company, and am in the process of re-connecting with those who I feel are special and important to me. I want to love the life that I had lost for so long. To embace everything and anything. To be accepting of my Self. To be giving, without losing my Self. To say sorry. To say 'I love you'. To admit I am wrong and to accept others without judgement. To learn more. To listen more - not just to the words, but to the voice. To see the world with different eyes, to be inspired. To inspire.

Thank you to all the people in my life who love me, you are truly the rare gems of this world.

Namaste.