Huh, thats funny...

Well there folks, looks like I am, well... un well?
Went to the doctors today... (okay back story) I have this thyroid condition...(ohh, note: Thyroid disease is a huge problem here in North America, and more and more young women (and men, although the majority of sufferers are women) are suffering without realizing it. There are a myriad of symptoms - that are really annoying - and are perpetually being misdiagnosed. For example: depression as a disease, as opposed to a symptom related to a disease. You take the antidepressants and well, they don't really work because its not those hormones that aren't working, its them thyroid ones. It is also assumed that you won't necessarily have a thyroid condition because you are in your 20's - only women in their 40's get that... but if you think that you may have it, don't be afraid to ask. All it is, is a little blood test to check it out. That's my PSA for the day.)

Yeah, so this thyroid condition, I went and got checked out today, you know, just to make sure all was working according to plan. I've been not behaving very well in terms of my health (staying up late, drinking more than I should... smoking the odd (ahem) smoke, and well you know how it is...) and not to mention the huge amount of stress going on right now... family issues (Grandpa's sick, everyone hates eachother right now), work issues (trying to find a better job), life issues (getting divorced... you know how it is...) school issues (yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah) - The doctor takes my blood pressure... and I am thinking 'Great, I am going to have such high blood pressure (note: Stress, smoking, bad eating habits = High Blood Pressure... possible heart condition...)' Well, no... actually my blood pressure is so low that I should really be um... well... almost dead?

Shit. I should really re evaluate what is going on here...

So today, I figure I would start working on my health (after this cup of coffee...). I haven't been doing as much Yoga as I had been in the past, in part because I am fairly tired at the end of a lond day of sitting on my ass, on the bus, at the kitchen table doing homework, on the couch... god... this is terrible. So, I have decided that I am going to get back into it. Of course I am not nearly as bendy as I was in the fall of last year... but I figure I should be able to put my head between my knees and kiss my own ass in no time at all.

The point to all this bleathering on is that I have put it down on 'cyber script' and am now actually pledging something to the world, or anyone who bothers to read this shit. So for you (and for myself, of course) I vow to do at least 15 minutes of Yoga for the remainder of this week, and work up slowing at intervals of 5 minutes each week, up to 1.5 hours like I used to. And I'll keep an update on the blog here. Of course you'll have to take my word for it.. but I think lying sucks so I wouldn't do that...

There, you can all get on my case if I fail at the Yoga commitment.

And in other news...
Not much. Life is pretty boring. I am moving on June 1st, somewhere hip and cool like South Main or Commercial Drive. I have an interview tomorrow. Sounds pretty cool. Maybe it will pay me enough so I can have a hip place to live, in a hip part of town. And buy hip clothes, and buy hip indie rock music.

Christ. I just don't quit do I. Alright. Ciao. Jeeze. I am even sick of my own writing, god only knows what you all must think.

Words to live (and eat) by...

So, another test, another 100 percent.
Gee, I sense a trend? (I sure hope so).

Today is a good day, and a sad day.
A maybe its going to be okay day,
and a relatively uneventful day.

What is a day? Because the sun sets, the day ends? Maybe it begins.
Maybe when the sun sets, its a new beginning, as opposed to an old ending.

And many days, of your malcontent? The endless weaving of days,
where emotions are high and low, and yet the underscore is that of melancholy.
If I was a doctor to the score of your life, perhaps I would infuse it with a crescendo,
in pianissimo, quiet delicate bel canto - a chorus that sings the highest praises, and the quietest confessions...

When everything turns up rotten in your fridge,
do not fret, as there are some things that never perish.

Je pense que tu est tres jolie...
(I think you are beautiful)

Ultimate in compliments... ZANZIBAR!

Today, I received the ultimate compliment.

I am not govern'd by my baggage. I am no longer controlled by my baggage.

I am independent of my baggage.

I am

Independent.

and therefore...
beautiful.

Can you say...

BORED!


I mean come on...
hungover, bored... *tyeye wimper wimper*
My avatar... kinda looks like me? I dunno... The blonde was too blonde and I think this brown is too brown...

Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?
Oh, right. I am BORED!

BLEAH...

Oh. My. God.
I feel like ass.
Last night, was fun - and as a result, I feel like ass. A co-worker of my darling friend - he's from Japan - is leaving to go back in a few weeks, so it's been partay time. But my god! This Japanese man, can he drink beer! And more beer! And more and more beer! And... well you get the picture. But also? He won't leave anyones glass empty. I have no idea as to how much beer I actually drank seeing how my glass was uh, never empty. It's really every drunks dream, I mean a never ending pint (sleeve, glass, whatever) of beer... ah, heaven.
And then of course, being the complete idiot I have the capability of being, I - in my ihavenoideahowmanybeerihavehad state - started ordering shots of tequila.

Luckily there were only two (shots). But geezelouisemarge did they ever get on me quick! I honestly don't know. I used to be able to do loads of tequila, in the summer... and I loved it. Now? Ech, what a disgusting thing, like paint thinner. Perhaps because I've become more refined in my drinking of scotch and rye whiskey? (god, I am almost questioning whether I should be going to a meeting or two soon...) (nononono... I am getting old, that's what it is...)

And the money? Where did all my money go? This is ridiculous! I had lots and now? I have none? WTF? Oh yeah... all that beer, and then a looooong cab ride home... Thank god I don't do this that much anymore, who the hell can afford to go out every night?

But I swear I had a fist full of 5's and I don't know where they went... I hope my friend has them, cuz that would suck if he didn't. I lost my lighter too. Now I have to make fire with my fingers... (stares intently at her fingers) (goes slightly cross-eyed) (ow, my head) (oh, how appropriate... Talking Heads is on the radio...) (I love the Talking Heads...)

That thingy french word after the climax... "may wee".

Apparently, just now - outside, someone cut off a large truck.

So, I am happy to announce that I have exorcised some of the demons yesterday. I had a nice conversation with someone very important in the P.M. and felt immense relief - understanding and being understood never felt so good.

Today, I have a little anxiety... not as much as yesterday, but definitely some lurking in the recesses of my mind... I'll get you, you l'il bastards...

Seems to be that I have developed an 'image' crisis. I stress that I am fat. Which is stupid, because I am not. I stress that my skin is dull, and that my ass is big and that I feel flabby... Yesterday, I was crowing about how fabulously fabulous my ass was... now I think it's big, fat... round. ICK.

Well, piss on you fat thoughts... I'm going for a walk.

Oh for Christ's Sake...

God dammit.
Why the hell do people have do be such assholes? I know that this doesn't really have any context, but folks, trust me, the assholes? They are out there in full force.

I called in sick to work today. Looks like the stress finally got to me. Which is STUPID because I know better than to let that kind of anxiety get to me. It seems to be however, that this occurs less and less as I begin to exorcise these demons of mine.

I've got a lot going on, for certain. Maybe not as many as the people around me, or the people in other parts of the world - where they suffer, starve and maime each other... but I suppose as a friend of mine has always said... it's really all relative.

So, whilst ignoring the phone, listening to Tom Waits and drinking coffee...I wrote out a list of "priorities". Now these aren't like the priorities of "do I wash the whites first or the darks?" or "what do I have for dinner? Chicken or Fish?" I am talking LIFE PRIORITIES. But, christ, what are life priorities anyway? What is life anyway?

A dear friend of mine said last night "Why can't we get a break?" I guess I feel like I am in over my head with all the shit that is going on in my life. I look at it now and realize that sure it's shit, but hey, it isn't going to last forever. Unless of course I die today, then I suppose in context it did last 'forever'.

Anyway! The priorities... I put myself as number one, of course. But see that is really a hard thing to do. Think about all of the things you execute in a day. Are they really for you? Even if they are for another person, do you benefit from it in the end? I find that some of the things that I have been doing have been not for myself at all... now that can't be all that bad right? But then there is that dirty word 'expectation' and it seems that I have fallen into that pot again. Dammit. I was doing really well there for a while. So, I decided to be very conscientious of what I do for whom and if I gain from it. It is then decided that I am going to be there for my friends, but in order to do this effectively I need to be there for myself, and that the energy I put in will have some sort of return. I suppose its a 'capital' idea?

Don't get me wrong, certainly it is not about solely searching to do things for your gain. Well... actually it is, but this, this is more defined as such: I like you, your company makes me feel happy, so yes, I will be there for you in some capacity so that you are happy, and therefore I will enjoy your company more.

See? I benefit because I like you already, and now you are happy and so then... I like you even MORE! Happy is good...

I have also decided that I am creating stress for myself (can you say UNHAPPY!?), because it is easier to wallow in the filth that life can be, rather than spend the energy and rise above it. So, rise I will! Or at least will when I finish my coffee.

I long for a life where I function as well as I envision myself being. Where I never put a condition on another person, where I can freely love a person and know that they have no fear of expectation, and that I don't as well. Where I don't have to explain or have fear of being misunderstood, and neither does the other person. I guess the only thing to do is actually try.

Like my horoscope for the day said... (whoa... freaky...)
"Look on life as a thrilling game, not as a drama."

MONDAYS?

they suck. Big time.
I hate Monday. I hate it.
Hate is a strong word... and I am hurling it towards Monday.
Jerk.



not really the most intellectual post, eh? I think its due to the fact I am freaking tired and stressed out...?

(say something smart... com'on you can do it...)

T accounts are t accounts because they look like T's.
(really, actually its true...)
there, smartness for the day, and especially for the MONDAY...
Bastard Monday...

SATURDAY night with the accountants...

Well folks...
I have the internet... at home.
This is a good thing.. and maybe not such a good thing.. I tend to be addicted to wierd websites...
so, sitting at home, typing away.. drinking a fab bottle of red wine...
red wine is totally delish...
It's saturday night, and I am home alone... SHOCKING! but loving it anyway... I don't really get to do this very often as of late... and well there you go.
well...
There you have it.
done....

Ack! Awkwerd...

Sigh.
I am currently having a breakdown, right now in my cubicle...


Feeling like you are at the bottom of a well, and although you know there is life and light above, because you can see the opening at the top, but you know that you can't reach it, and it will be a really long time before you can reach it and it feels like you have been working so hard for so long and all of it is for nothing except the realization that you still have a lot more to do before you can even begin to climb out of that well? And all you wish is that there was someone in the well with you to keep you sane, but you understand that this is something you have to climb out of alone, because then how can you focus on the lessons to be learned if you're busy discussing music and movies and the latest this or that?

And then that hot rushing feeling in your head...you are going to simply break down... have a big fat breakdown...

I need to lean, just for a moment, sweet jesus, just for a moment...

ADJUST THE DEBITS! ADJUST THE CREDITS! AMORT! AMORT!

I dream about numbers all night now. All I see are T accounts and journals and ledgers and income statements and balance sheets and owner equity statements and amortization schedules and calculators I haven't figured out how to use yet: ERROR 4 ... ERROR 4 ...

Like post office folk going postal, can accountants go accountal?
And if so, what does that mean?
oh god the insanity...
AMORT! AMORT!
(that is such a funny word... amort...)

WEDNESDAY... already, all day...

Wow... do you ever have those days where you feel fabulous, have loads of energy and look like half a million dollars? (come on, I still had to get up early and go to work... NO one looks fabulous in the first 3 hours of their day... unless you spent all those 3 hours getting gussied up...I spend maybe...30 mins?)

So, feeling fab, looking not too bad and bouncing off the walls.
Everyone in my office hates me right now... mwahaahaahaa!

I finished watching Rosemary's Baby... crazy shit man... for the 60's? Roman Polanski's got some fairly neat-o (yes, neat-O) ideas... I won't get into it (don't want to spoil the suprise you know...) but I would recommend it for what its about and the times, kind of neat... o.

Debit the Credit...

I just completed my first test for my CGA Financial Accounting course. I would like to report that I have scored 100%. Whoohoo! Maybe I am that hellasmart person. (note: I thought way back when that I had 3 tests in like 2 weeks? Nay, I'm just incapable of reading instructions correctly...it's like 1 every 2 weeks...)

Went to see Belle and Sebastian at the Commadore on Friday. Brilliant show - even though they played few songs off the albums that I own. My friend and I agreed that we would need to pick up a few of the newer ones and check them out. Alln'all, it was good. I bet though the guy who got pulled up on stage and danced, had a ball! We went out afterwards and had seriously disgusting Greek food and ceasars which really wasn't needed but damn it was disgusting good. We lamented that this was the last of the tickets we had bought in advance, and were lamenting that we missed out on Beth Orton, or rather that we are missing out - we can't really afford the tix right now.

Saturday was nice, bought cd's neither of us could really afford (see, this is why we can't go see Beth Orton...) Some guy tried to pick me up... hey baby and all that shit. Really, get a life.

Got a Cat Power disc and a Johnny Cash disc. God, why did I not listen to Cash sooner? What the hell is wrong with me? My friend picked up this Flaming Lips disc, dammit... it is sooo good...

Watched a bunch of movies over the weekend...rented what... History of Violence, which was good, I enjoyed it. Not the greatest, but good. Saw the Village, what a shit movie. Lemony Snicket's series of Unfortunate Events or whatever its called, that was funny for a "kids" movie. Actually I found some of it to be quite clever...and I have plans to watch Rosemary's Baby either tonight or tomorrow... Depends on the mood of the evening, and if there is any March Madness on.

A french kid and his dog...

I am going to see Belle and Sebastian tonight at the 'Fabulous Commodore' tonight. I read the article about them in the Straight today, and looks as if they are going to be playing a good show... But I never really got that... I mean, you are going to play a good set. I anticipate that you will play a good set. But... how do you really know? Whatever, don't listen to me, I am so tired.

My job, is so boring. I am so bored I think I might cry. Monkeys can do my job. I am a monkey. With out a tail... So I have a monkey job, which sucks, AND I don't get a tail that can fetch me bannanas and such stuff (pens, keys, wallets...) so I am losing doubly. I mean come on, if you are going to get me to do monkey jobs, at least let me have the tail????!

I saw V for Vendetta on Wednesday night. It was entertaining. I realized after that there really wasn't a whole lot of content, the movie could have been probably an hour long and still cover all its points, but then, well, the movie would be a documentary or something. I definitely found some aspects really annoying. Or not annoying, that's a bit harsh, more like "huh? whaa?
What was the point of that?".

I watched the Constant Gardener last night. That was a good flick. I enjoyed that. There were definitely times where I was wondering if it was going to pick up a bit. I realized at about half way through that there was going to be massive 'close ups' of the human condition - which I enjoyed, got over the fact that there wasn't going to be a whole lot of car chases and such stuff, and ended up really liking it.

What else did I do this week?
Monday, Tuesday... Tuesday... can't remember.
Wednesday, movie.
Thursday, movie.
Friday... Belle and Sebastian...

Oh, I remember, I got my laptop on Monday, and fiddled with it on Tuesday.

Whatever,
anyways, signing out,
have a great weekend, if thats where you are at in your week.

I'M BACK! and I saw the whales...

Okay, so anyone who says nature sucks, or that nature is boring or nature is like whatever man, they need to be taken out back and shot. Twice.

Friday we spent most of the time travelling, missed the 3 o'clock ferry, got into Ucelulet at around 10 o'clock, relaxed and discussed the surfing for the next day.

Saturday morning we get up. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the surf is lapping. The Caralans is flowing. Our cabin (more like little house...) had a deck that spanned the entire front, and looked out over towards this tiny little cove. Went for a walk, found cool rocks and seaglass, discussed whether we should go surfing now or later. Our resident surf dude, he found out the swells were only 2 - 3 feet high, so um... not really a great day for the surfing. WHAT DO WE DO?

We decided to go on a zodiac and watch grey whales. For 3.5 hours we saw the most amazing scenery ever. We lucked out and got on a boat that was being used as a research vessel. So of course we got to stay out way longer (we paid for a 2 hour ride...), because the researchers needed to get as much time in as they could.

Now, grey whales, they are big. 45 feet long on average, and 35 tonnes. I saw the tail come up out of the water when one of them dived. It was massive. Lots of plumes of steam from the blow holes as they decended far down into the water. Lots of fins as they lied on their side and ate herring row in 6m deep water... yeah, 6 meters...

But the clincher for the whole day, the whole event, my entire life... was this moment:

As we stood at the side of the zodiac, watching the magnificent sight of a whale rising out of the water to take in breath, swimming in our general direction, we fell silent. The whale rose again, closer, directly in line with our boat. As the beast rose for its 3rd time, 6 feet away from the boat, the researhers, the skipper and all of us grew excited. The whale was due to swim right under and along side the boat. As we peered into the murky depths of the ocean, a dark and light mottled mass came into focus. The majestic beast swam slowly past the left side of the boat, inches away, and few feet below the surface. It swam in silent contemplation, its massive body gliding through the water. We watched as the body slipped by, the span of the fins were as wide as the vessel we were on. The body continued to slip by. Then what felt like an eternity, the tail finally swam by, a tail that had to be large enough to propel a 35 tonne body. This is magic at its best.

What makes this even more amazing is the realization that the event that just took place wasn't manufactured for our amusement. That whale probably had some idea that there was a boat or an object in the water above it, but it had no obligations to swim by, save curiosity. This gift that we were given was based on opportunity and luck or whatever you want to call it. But not manufactured, or forced. No expectation. Just pure simplicity of a happening in time.

I believe it now when a person says that seeing a whale up close like that can change your life.

WHOA...

Well, I published this rant about whales... and it went to the wrong board. The freaky thing is...this board hasn't been written on for a long time. Yet, today, well yesterday... someone else had posted just before me... HI KARIN!

So, WHOA.

Anyways, for the rest of the world...

HELLO WHALES!!! (that was the title of what I thought I was posting on here...)

I can't really remember what I wrote, something like there's 20,000 grey whales migrating from the Baja, Mexico past the West Coast of Vancouver Island... and I am going to swim out on a surf board and look for them. I recall using a lot of commas too. But yeah... whales, lot of em. Lotsn'lots... Apparently its something like the largest group of migrating animals in North America, or the world or something...

I wanna see one up close... Hello Whale, I would say... but in whale, not human speech... so it would be more like... scqueelcheeequeeelllleeeqheellleee....

I am so bored here at work...

scquyeeeekkklllleeekkkdddiiiioooooooo....


Don't you just LOVE Bob Dylan...?
Old Bob Dylan... with his harmonica and his strummin' guitar. And the lyrics... geezelouisemarge, so good. (he's playing on my internet radio right now...god I love it.)

TODAY!

Is a great day.
Aren't closing chapter days just fabulous? The beginning of new journeys, the new possibilities... ahh, the terror that you feel when you sit and go... hmm... what now?

BONUS... going to Tofino on Friday. Shit, that reminds me, I gotta tell my boss I'm not coming in Friday...
So STOKED... going away with a good friend. Surfing... I am going to try surfing...

I MAY HAVE FOUND A CAR... whoa.
Nice little Volvo, 4 door... from the 80's. With a sunroof. And it's TAN.
but I am not holding my breath until I get the keeeeeys...

Hairy Lobsters and Mitten Crabs!

(They actually do exist you know)

I went and saw the band Low yesterday. So good. The show was fabulous, I got so excited I actually yelled out a request... Oh the shame. See, I NEVER do that. Really. Well, maybe I have once or twice in my life before, but I would never admit to it... Hey, wait a minute.

But the gem of the show really was the opening act. The group is called Lavender Diamond, and my god, the lead vocalist - she was the most awkward thing I had ever encountered in my life. And I know awkward people. She had on this dress that was something out of an early 80's movie, and welcomed the guests to Vancouver, which is when my friend and I looked at each other and smiled - SO AWKWARD!!! we loved it. And according to them, we have a lovely population.

Their music wasn't too bad, in fact I think because she was so awkward and the band looked like a group collected over the years (like mismatched china or something), it made the music, absolutely-hands-down some of the most honest I have ever heard. Even her gestures, which were very staged, had this almost child-like innocence to it, you couldn't even really figure if she was a woman or a child... I bought their EP. And it had all my favorite songs on it. And that made me happy.

Long live hairy lobsters, mitten crabs and good honest to good goodness music.

"... what we learn in time of pestilence: that there are more things to admire in men than to despise."*

*Albert Camus, 'The Plague'

I certainly admire the fact that my body has produced so much disgusting I-don't-know-what over the last 5 days, blind me with intense migranes and that I was able to soak through not 1 set of sheets but 3... I also sit in awesome admiration as my friends' sinuses ACTUALLY look like they are pulsating in his skull and how this thing, whatever it is, reduces your body to that of a 75 year old...wreaking arthritic pain and dizzy spells that require you to need assistance getting out of the tub...

Damn pestilence. Curses to the one who brought this on, filthy bastard.

YOU'VE GOT MAIL...!!!

Yay! Today I received my books for school -

CGA Ethics Reading Hand Book - check!!
Fundamental Accounting Principles Vol. 1 - check..!
Fundamental Accounting Principles Vol. 2 - check...!?
Mathematics for Business CGA Reference Handbook - check...?!
Test Schedule - checkerrohmygod...

Ah what the hell, I figure it can't be all that hard, I apparently have a natural knack for it... but still, I don't think I've seen mathematic symbols like this EVER...(flipping through text...)...and my first test is in 2 weeks...(peering at test schedule...)...Or rather my first three...(paling slightly...)...Oy Vey...(sees breakdown of percentages...)...final exam worth 70% of Final Grade...(Falls off Seat...)...

I love torturing myself, apparently...

See More Glass...

Such a fabulous weekend...

So, I finally got that piece of paper that indicates I am allowed to operate a 4 wheeled motorized thing, preferably not under the influence of alcohol and of course by law I need other folks in this machine with me at all times, I guess because its illegal to die a horrible death alone... BONUS though... I only need this L thing in my window for 6 months because the powers-that-be actually awknowledged my previous motorcar experience and the thousands of dollars spent. Currently the L is holding up my grocery list on the stove whilst I embark on the journey of searching for a car that isn't too expensive but not a complete piece of shit... I wonder what you can buy for (slowly counting the change in my wallet) - $1.84?

I also purchased a small blue and red siamese fighting fish yesterday which I christened "Cthulhu Bob". You see C.B. believes that he is a serious marauding demon fish of the deep (um... deep 2 gallon tank...) and the king of his domain - but he's really a slack jaw hick who likes to listen to field recordings of hollerin' hillbillies. He also seems to have an affinity for watching "Black Adder" and the Buddha that lives with him in his little bowl.

I made pancakes by myself for the first time EVER and without someone hovering saying 'you're doing it wrong, that's not the way I do it blah blah blah' - I simply said I want to make 'em because I never really had done so all by myself - and was told 'No problem, if you need assistance you can ask, but go at it.' No hovering or criticism - I think honestly, they were the best damn pancakes I have ever had in my ENTIRE life. It helped of course, that I had good company too.

Have been introduced to H.P. Lovecraft. I love the style of writing, and my god so freaky for the times. Loved it so much, it inspired the naming of my fishie. Also read some J.D. Salinger short stories. Aloud. Yep, reading stories to people. So much fun. And the conversations after reading them? Brilliant. We probably spent a good couple of hours reading and discussing stories.

What a weekend...

Cabbage Tycoon...

I think I might get my drivers license tomorrow...

and that has EVERYTHING to do with Cabbages.

I will remember you...

I had the strangest dream last night. Well, I wouldn't say it was strange per say, but the people in the dream, I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time. This was not entirely strange, but enough to make me think (See? More thinking...). I feel a deep release is about to follow...

You see, the people that I had dreamed about (actually they are a couple) - we used to be really good friends. The young woman was my best friend for a long time. Of course, things change in a persons life, events take place. People grow apart, things fall apart. Now, the realization that I have is of course, these people were obviously important to me and why the hell would I employ a lack of effort in order to keep this friendship alive, which ended up causing the end of it? Sure, people argue, people get mad - referencing a past post - people can be difficult friends, but certainly are worth the work. I sit baffled at times: How could I let pride, selfish pride, destroy a friendship that had been deep and (what I had hoped) lasting?

I remember the day she cut off all her hair (she had really long hair) - I remember we sat in Starbucks, her hair falling around her face - her blue eyes shining bright as she grew more excited about it. I remember we would sit on my parents patio, I'd smoke cigarettes, we'd drink wine and beer, Grandma would come out and chat with us. I remember the time she took me into Birks and showed me the ring she wanted when she got engaged to her boyfriend. They get married soon, nearly 10 years later. I remember the day she quit her job downtown. Oh, how she hated that job. I remember taking her to Catus Club and we'd get loaded off martinis as we bitched about the world. I remember how we held each others hearts when the tough got real tough in both our lives. I remember the demise of this relationship, as if it were yesterday. I remember watching in horror as it fell apart. I remember wishing I wasn't so stubborn and proud, so desperate to be right, to be on top, how I wanted so desperately to be humble. I remember the way we coldly ignored each other at a barbeque. I remember getting married and wishing that I just sucked it up and said I was sorry, but knew that it was too late, our lives had changed so much that it would only hurt too much. I remember after I left my husband, I heard the news that she was getting married. I remember how bitter I felt, then sad, because I was only bitter at myself.

I look now and I have discovered that our culture has made it difficult for women to have healthy, happy relationships with each other. It is ingrained in us to fight for equality, but at the cost of our fellow womanfriends. We cut the balls off the boys, but also sever the ovaries of the girls. We start out as friends for life, people who will protect each other and be sisters. But then we start to undermine each other, undercut each other. Then we cover it up with "girl chat" and superficial activities - so that the pain we feel as we hurt our girlfriends and ourselves is numbed. Over time, the scars stop healing because we have poisoned the blood bond to a point where all is left is a rotting corpse that once was a beautiful friendship.

We work hard on our relationships with the partners in our lives, but why not the bestfriends? Why is it okay to treat them like crap and figure it's okay?

I don't know what the point of all this is. I doubt very much she even thinks about me at all. Sadly although truthfully - I am alright with that. In fact it's probably for the best. We've both changed so much, and I am content with the good memories that I have. But I will say this, where you can find it if you want it, and I can finally put it to rest:

Tracy, I am sorry.

Prehistoric Plants Part Paths to Pat's Place...

I nearly had to kick someone out of my house this weekend. To clarify first, I was having a gathering over the weekend in honour of a very important and close friend who happened to come down for a few days from up North. There's three of us important close friends, and we get along super well. In fact we are going to commission Todd McFarlane to make for us action figures that interconnect to create a giant robot we have come to call "AWKWERD'BOT". We even have a catch phrase which is Akwerd'bot unite! It's funny... Really.

BUT ANYWAY... as a result of the return of the friend from the North my house was innandated with people. Most of the left late PM early AM. Some stayed way longer than they should have. Some of them lets say - were not necessarily intentionally but were trying to anyway - get me evicted by jumping up and down on the floor in attempts to skip my CD player, and basically being an ass. I think I said something like "If you don't stop that right now I will tear off all your limbs and feed them to you..." And I think I said (er... yelled...) after that "Yes I am Fucking Serious, stop fucking around, sit down and shut up..." I really should have said "Get the hell out of my house." But I didn't. Needless to say however, the other AWKWERD'BOT members stuck up for me and successfully kept it from becoming a scene. He left not to soon after. Which was fine by all of us.

But it got me thinking... (lots of stuff gets me thinking...) Why is it that we allow ourselves to have such sucky friends? I mean, we can all say 'oh they have some good merits...' but I don't know, if they are always pissing you off, does it really matter then if they have good merits or not? Why do we hold out on some of the people who drive each other nuts? I mean sure, I have friends who take a lot of work, but these are people that I have known for years. I am sure that I can be a lot of work for some of my friends. I guess we make exceptions based on return - I like to have you in my life even if its hard sometimes because the good times we do have really outweigh the bad. But damn, I don't know why I allow a few of the people I have in my life continue to be in my life, I sure as hell not getting anything good out of some of these relationships. I really don't get it.

Purposeful Purple Purpose*

There have been some major changes afoot.

Yesterday, I enrolled for my first course at the Credit Institute of Canada. My course is called Financial Accounting. This means that I am also enrolled in the CGA program. Who knew?

Today, I plan on purchasing running shoes. This is so I can start running again. Seems that Yoga doesn't get all that aggression out. Oh, don't get me wrong, I haven't become some sort of (even more so) mega bitch, I just have a lot of pent up energy... This book I am reading, Atlas Shrugged, it gets me all riled up, so I think running, among other things, could be a good alternative to alievating that stress... besides, I need to shake things up a bit, do a little cross training.

I am going surfing in March in Tofino. It's offical. We're staying in Ucleluet (or however you spell it) in some big beach front cabin. It's rented for parties of 8 and there is only four of us, but it was so cheap that we figured what the hell? We'll be so comfortable.

Been thinking about life. What it means. What makes it important, or worth living. Who I work for, what my motivation is for success. What I own about myself. What I wish I owned about myself but haven't had the courage to face it.

I get excited about the idea of re-claiming that which I lost. I realize that I can accept the fact I let parts of my life be lost through my own lack of self confidence, or allowing others to impose their lack of confidence in me - and I realize that I can finally accept that I am the only one that can take responsibility for it. Only I can be responsible for myself and my actions. I feel like I am re-learning the language that I use to communicate. I feel less misunderstood, because I take the time to respect myself and my ideas. To let them be born and to let them live or die in debate with others, rather than in the defeatest debate inside my head.

As cliche as it may sound (but what do I care?) It feels good to be alive.


*Purple is the color of my purpose.

I'll take 'morality play' for 200, Alex...

I was having a conversation with a group of people today. It was in regards to a woman's unfaithfulness to a man with another man. They felt that the 'other man' should be held in some way responsible for the demise of the relationship between the couple. I thought about it and found myself disagreeing to a certain degree. I felt that the 'other man' isn't really morally obligated to the fidelity of the relationship between the other two people. I got shot down of course, but it made me think what is morality? What makes my idea of morality more or less than another persons?

The 'other man' is immoral because he 'should know better', or that he was selfish in his needs and desires - totally disregarding the impact that these events will have on the couples' lives. But how did it become his moral responsability to uphold the relationship this woman had with her partner, or even the people directly for that matter? How did he come to be labelled as selfish? Is selfishness truly an evil thing? Is it wrong to want the best for yourself? If she had decided that she wanted to be unfaithful and she chose this man who would want to be with her anyway - is he being selfish by accepting her offer?

These actions would be seen as immoral because religion and generations of social programming have made it out to be so. It is understood (at least partially) that we have a social obligation to our fellow man, and is evident through our social security system, low income housing etc. Focusing on the self or the individual could then be considered a truly selfish (and possibly (obviously) immoral) act. But if we 'join together' in social activism (in either the private or the public sphere) and neglect the desire to obtain betterment within our own lives, wouldn't that simply reduce us to achieving as much as the lowest common denomonator? Would we not then simply be stiving for mediocrity? Would that then not be a most immoral and depraved act, only to do as good as the next person because you were afraid of how your achievements may affect them?

I am certainly not abolishing things like Compassion and Understanding. However - compassion and understanding to what cost? Because you feel obligated due to social conditioning, therefore sacrificing yourself and perhaps your own beliefs, desires and moral fabric - would this not be immoral? To go against something you believe in because its the right thing to do? What is right anyway?

Sure, this is only a pretty theory. I absolutely believe that killing a person to take their job because you want it, raping and maming a person because they have a sexual attractiveness that you want and feel you are entitled to are abhorrations, most certainly. To steal and cheat and lie are ugly behaviours. That certainly there are people out there who need a chance to make it better for themselves and if social programs help then that's good, the programs are working as they should. However, as a result of these thoughts, I have made myself out to be a total hypocrite? Maybe out there, there is some sort of happy balance. I just haven't found it yet.

It's a thought that I will keep working on...

A man, a plan, a canal - Panama

So bored. So I found the dictionary of All Consonant Words. I like this one:

bllpp.
n. a mother hen’s “all clear” signal that danger has passed.


oooh, and this one which immediately follows:

blpb.
n. the sound of someone struggling not to drown in a vat of fresh cream, as in the graphic novella Hearts and Minds by Scott McCloud; see also hgkh, sppt.

and this one:

gmmph nng m.

n. a mumbled line of dialogue by the character “Kenny” from the animated television series South Park.

KENNY: Gmmph nng m! KYLE: It’s just your imagination. There’s nothing in here with us. KENNY: NNNGH! (Sound of chains breaking and nasty slobbering noises. Kenny’s eyeballs vanish.) KYLE: Ohmigod, they killed Kenny! —Matt Graham, “South Park: Angband comes to South Park.”


this one's a little far fetched?

lrrrg rrrr grrrrv rrr shrrrrrrd.

n. a “barely decipherable moan” by the living dead news commentator Zombie Dave, as transcribed by Chris Bell (bell101.freeserve.co.uk).

I suffer from these ALL the time:

qwrts.

n. the sound of swallowing back tears of nostalgia.
<*Sigh* ... those were the days ... qwrts ... qwrts ... qwrts ... —Silverfox, ubi.com.>

This one? Well, I like the letter X:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

n. an inaudible statement that sounds similar to “truth and information are not the same thing” but is actually something else.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX! he said. What? I yelled over the wind. It was starting to carry him away. I said, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX! he yelled back. Truth and information are not the same thing! he shouted, and he shot up into the sky instantaneously, shrinking to a tiny black dot that hung briefly in the air and then winked out. I stood staring up at the spot where he had been. That wasn’t what he’d been trying to tell me, that truth and information weren’t the same thing. He’d been saying something else but I just hadn’t been able to get it. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I focused my concentration; there was a sizzling sound. It had been pressed into the sand in front of me in green glass symbols: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Okay, now I’d retain it and work on a translation later. Probably take me the rest of my life, I thought. —Pat Cadigan, Mindplayers


So bored...

What's a name...?

I have been bestowed with a new nickname. Thought I would test it out.
I kind of like it.

Launch the Pig!

Pig Launching. That's what I read about at work today. Apparently there are Polly - Pigs, Mandrel Pigs and even TURBO Pigs. You can launch pigs and receive pigs. Detect pigs and track pigs. You can do just about anything with a pig (gasp).

If you want to know more about Pigs... go here.
http://www.girardind.com/valves-launching.htm

Welcome to my work.

WTF mate...

I went and saw Hostel this weekend. I have to say that I am utterly proud of myself for having gone, watched the whole thing (well, except one tiny little part...) and survived. In fact I think the trailer for the re-make of "The Hills Have Eyes" freaked me out more, but not by much.
I really don't know what I think of Hostel, it wasn't the greatest story line on the surface. It did, however have some sort of subtextual social commentary that was kind of interesting and it wasn't as gorey as I thought it would be, but the parts that were, well... uck. It did its job though. Freaky, disgusting, gratuitious horror.

It set the night up for some weird shit...

So, we went and saw this film. That's just weird in its own right.
Then I saw someone I knew from highschool who looks and sounds EXACTLY the same as she did then (which would have been in 1992). In fact her voice was what I heard first which made me go 'oh good god...'She didn't recognize me (or at least didn't make it seem like she did), and sat across from me on the seabus, it was just weird...

Then we had some screaming, drunken, bloated 15 year old bitch out her friend about her substance abuse over the phone on the seabus...she was walking through the seats screaming at the top of her lungs and sat right behind us. See, this is weird because the sea bus is essentially empty... From what I heard, the friend's some kind of dope fiend and she lied about it and doesn't seem to know what she is doing with her life...the 15 year old loves her though... I think that's what she said... I couldn't tell, she was too much under the influence of alcohol for me to really understand exactly what she was berating her 'under the influence of some other substance' friend about...

Got home and thought to watch some T.V., sort of ease out of the film. All we could find was some movie with Carmen Electra as herself with a group of people on an Island that had praying mantises (mantisi?) fighting, some seriously ridiculous claymation effects - I could have sworn someone I went to University with was in it... and Nick Carter shows up at the end of the movie to save everyone. And I think it was filmed at White Pine Beach. Seriously. Then I discovered that there is a series called "Tremors", after the movies I assume... which is absurd in its own right, but this episode involved a large prehistoric shrimp that ate people.

It was weird, just plain ol' weird.

I'm angry now...

I think I just witnessed an act of the upmost self absorbed and self centered kind. I am not going to get into the details of it, but it lead me to think about some things.

Some people simply EXPECT you to take on their issues. You are fully expected to give up your time and energy and that somehow you are obligated to eat their shit because you happen to be their friend, relative, room mate, spouse, partner, whatever. Some how these labels give them the sense of entitlement to take you emotionally hostage, and if you don't respond to their power tripping - they become hostile or resort to some form of emotional blackmail in attempts to make you feel bad (or even worse) for not relenquishing your entire being to their plight. Well fuck that noise.

I think it is important to understand that when one has an issue or a situation, the expectation of support should NOT be primary. What I mean is this: You suffer from a devestating situation as a result of the choices you made. It's yours. You own it. Therefore, it should not be expected in anyway that the people around you are going to give up their time and assist, aid or even support you in that ownership. But most of us are pretty lucky. Shitty things happen, and there are people in our lives who care about us and are willing to give us a hand, whether it is emotionally, financially, spiritually even, it doesn't matter. But to demand and expect upon demand the support we feel we need is utterly selfish. Life goes on for everyone. Even if the drama in our own lives seems to consume everything in our sight does not mean that it consumes every waking moment of the people around us. We believe that because the person has an emotional investment in us we are entitled to their time and energy (and why, because we bestow them with a label?) regardless of what is going on in their lives. No wonder people after a time begin to despise each other, we are constantly in a power struggle because of our inablility to take ownership of our own issues. We have to throw it onto someone else because we can't admit to ourselves that its our issue, our hang up, our fault even.

The saddest part of this is we all do it. But maybe if we take the time and realize that the issues we have in our lives are ours and not anyone elses, that we need to take the responsiblilty - we will eventually come to accept the terms and conditions of the consequences and try to regain our personal power through other avenues rather than beating down on our loved ones with demands and expectations.

Yeah, yeah, and I know there are exceptions... but you get what I mean.

Birdie Num Num

Folks, last night was an amazing show. Jeff Tweedy is not only an amazing singer/songwriter, but a riveting performer. The very first song he played reduced my friend and I to tears. His voice, my god - was pure emotion. It was mostly just him on acoustic - he must have played at least a dozen songs. Wilco's drummer (whose name eludes me at this time) did the opening act - solo. I had never seen (or heard) anything like it. He joined Tweedy during the second set - the energy they produced together was something else.

Really, I don't think there is anything better than live music. Even with drunken noisy folks yelling - which Mr. Tweedy dealt with in the most amicable and humourous way - most notably would be the comment of "Yes, I will play all of the songs you requested, even the unintelligible ones" (in response to a very drunk person yelling out gibberish requests) - the music just washes over you, vibrating every single cell in your body, and all that distraction just falls away. There is something really honest about a live show - particularily one of this kind, it's the raw purity and the vulnerablility of the artist that makes it truly beautiful.

My only complaint - I am too old to stand for 2 hours. Good god, I almost passed out from the heat, pot fumes and the lack of personal space. But even if I fell over (which I didn't, I made it out of the crowd before anything like that could happen...) - I would almost think I had swooned over the beauty that was the music.

MONCHEECHEE!

Well, I am going to go see Jeff Tweedy tonight. Fairly excited about that. For those of you who don't know, Jeff Tweedy is the lead singer/songwriter of the band called Wilco. I am sure I will report as to how the show was on tomorrows post.

Started a new book. Well, actually - since I finished The Chrysalids I've read Ayn Rand's Anthem (which is an excellent book...) and have started the collosal Atlas Shrugged, also by Ayn Rand. I really question where I have been - not having read these books sooner... It's almost shameful.

Planning a trip to Tofino in March (FINALLY! Surfing!). Seeing a bunch of shows between now and then. Aquiring more CD's (bought the Talking Heads - Sand in the Vaseline album - ah yes... Burning down the house...).

I do have to recommend, even if you have heard it already - or that it is really old news (like 10 year old news...) but Stereolab's album called 'Emperor Tomato Ketchup' is fun brilliance. And some of its in french... they come to town on the 7th of March for anyone whose curious...

Funnily Enough...

Well that was fucked up.. I hit enter by accident and my post posted sans post. Geeze. (You know it bothers me coz there are thousands of folks just waiting for me to post... and I have let them down with lame titles and no content...)

Meh. Anyway...
Apparently I have a word or petite phrase that I use - and it doesn't exist in the english language. That would be 'Funnily enough...' I had no idea that I said such a phrase, and really had no idea that it didn't exist. There is another one that I use 'No word of a lie' - I think Dave, you had commented on that phrase...

I wonder how many of us folks out there use words we a) don't realize we use all the time, and b) are not even part of our english language... Think about it. I expect reports on Monday. If not, well... I'll pout and use poor syntax to illustrate my poutiness...

LMAO

I watched some comedy last night. The Three Stooges to be exact. Whoa. It had been awhile and I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical as to whether I would find it funny or not.
Well, I laughed my ass off.
I don't know what it was, but the comedy - was genius. No expectation. No focus on the 'relationship'. Not having to care about the characters. Just hilarious situations that for some reason seemed to warrant a significant amount of abuse. On all three sides. Highly recommended if you've become disenfranchised with the current options for comedy.

TUESDAY!

So, the election is over, the votes are in and we woke up to a new government. Just like that. Gee, too bad there couldn't be- say, elections to elect more money into my life, have a vote, go to bed and wake up rich... provided of course that those who voted would want me to be rich.

Really though, I find it oddly facinating. Going to bed and waking up to an entirely different "powers that be" being in charge. Its like waking up to find your neighbours parents having become yours. Weird.

There was one thing that I discovered however, about this election. Something that I never really thought about. What is important to me? What would I want in a government?

Whoa, don't get me wrong, I know what is important to me and I certainly have thought about it before, but have I really thought about it - what my ideas and beliefs actually mean? It's like using really big words you just learned, and are kind of familiar with the meaning, but if you were challenged on it, you'd look wide eyed at the person and either run, or make up something that sounds good. So what I believe in, it sounds all pro social (thats what I figure I am), but do I really know what it means? Turns out that I did, I just didn't really have the words to describe my position very well (so basically I made stuff up... just kidding).

In the end after all that deliberation, I discovered that there really wasn't a party that fit to what I believe in. None of them. Mind you in my riding I had about 5 choices, but even still, it was a little alienating. I know for a fact that I am NOT the only one out there that feels that way, in fact I would bet that there are quite a few folks out there with the same predicament. I know, pick the one that fits the most with what you want to see happen in your country... I don't know... I haven't really come to terms with that idea... I think it requires more discussion.

But whatever, I would much rather chat about politics and maybe even endure some BROWBEATING in person than having a one sided typing temper tantrum.

So... yesterday was apparently the most depressing day of the year. Interesting. I would have to agree, but only because it was put into my head that it was the most depressing day of the year. I think otherwise I would have just assumed it was another day of rain and that if it didn't stop soon, I would likely go insane. Thank goodness it's sunny today, because I don't really want to go insane... although I know I am already insane, but well... you know.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

There, I did my civic duty to my fellow Canucks and reminded y'all to vote. Now if I can just remember to go voting...

As Dave mentioned on his blog, yes Underworld 2 is a fun and entertaining movie. I cheered at the end. But then I am insane so that is to be expected. But Dave is absolutely right. If its been awhile since you've seen the first one, see it before you see the 2nd one. I was like whaaa...? for some of the movie... especially with all the flashbacks and stuff... weird. But if watching the 1st one again doesn't seem like your cup of tea, remember: You get to see Kate Beckensdale in a tight leather cat suit, a corset and pack some serious heat... if that's your thing. And the dude she's hot for, yeah he's pretty freakin' sexy too, even when he's all mutating and stuff.
They make such a sexy pair. Sigh.

I got some tix to see Belle & Sebastian on the weekend. Their show is coming up on the 24th of March. Going to see Jeff Tweedy of Wilco on the 31st of this month. Pretty stoked about it.

Bought a ridiculous amount of CDs on the week end...I mentioned that I was on a country craze, I forgot to mention that I am also on this binge of Indie Rock. Christ, don't tell anyone though. aharhar, just kidding. I should really stop being such a prick.

It's been awhile since I spent any time listening to Indie Rock, and I figured my CD collection needed reviving and so I spent a few bucks and bought myself some tunes. There's this band called "Low", they're coming to town on the 8th of March, may check them out - the album I got is fabulous. Sort of slow and melancholy - sigh. 2 discs of Belle & Sebastian, their music makes me so happy... It's almost criminal. It's like sunshine and butterflies I swear. So good. And of course I got a good staple like Yo La Tengo and some Iron & Wine. Also got the Calexico/Iron & Wine album on order. A buddy of mine went and saw them in Seattle before he left for Fort St. John - picked up the album on LP. We spent and evening checking it out, man was it awesome. Really recommend it. The new Mercury Rev made it briefly into my collection but gave it to my friend who is a mad Mercury Rev fan; we listened to it over the week end. It's such a great album too. I really lucked out. Mind you, I got good direction from my dear friend - he pointed me in the right direction for most (if not all) the albums... It'd been awhile since I listened to some, and some I hadn't even heard of.

But anyways, music is music - listen to what ever makes you happy. Some of it is great and some of it is crap, but that's just my opinion. If it makes you feel something, thats all that matters.

Have fun voting today!

*~

Thank F*** it's Friday!

Well folks,
I am sitting in the ol' office without a soul around... hence the writing of the blog...UNDETECTED! Mwahahahaha...

Gonna go see a movie this weekend - Underworld 2... should be good times.

I have been in really good company over the last while. I am engaging in challenging conversations, reading really good literature (although I admit, only recently... I haven't really had the time...). I am currently reading the Chrysalids by John Whyndam. So far so good. Really I am on Chapter 2, the first chapter - Ah yes... the set up... and the second chapter... the social and familial positioning of the main character... so really the story hasn't quite unfolded, but the subject is facinating. and a little scary. I was reading the First Circle by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, but having not read Russian Literature since College - I found it a bit... awkward. Really, trying to remember the six names each character has... plus the subject of war and prison is not 100 percent familiar with me (I don't have a lot of knowledge when it comes to the history of war, or even the language of war) - so I am reading the Chrysalids first - sort of ease me back into that kind of reading. I was heading to Mexico to study Yoga, which turned out to be a nightmare.. another story to tell later on... But anyway, I had reading to do before I left so I had been spending the last 2 months prior to leaving reading anatomy books and the like... a little bit of a different read.

So, I am quite content. I have been reading good books. Listening to such good music. Oh. My. God. I love country. Not this new country shit, but proper old school country. Like Cash (and no, I was listening to it BEFORE the movie came out thankyouverymuch...), George Jones... Gram Parsons and EmmyLou Harris. Not to mention other genres of music that I hadn't listened to in a long while and found that I missed it and enjoy it very much...Like hill billy bluegrass...?

Such fun is life... I am so glad...
and hey folks...
IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!

Weee....arrgh...

I don't know if you all have been up on the news at all lately (I am sure y'all have been... I mean really...) but we have had in the last month only 8 hours of sunshine. I guess this would explain why I feel like a weeping homicidal maniac? Have this uncontrollable desire to hide under my covers with a lamp so that I feel like I am in a tent in some warm climate? (Yeah, I could have been doing that, but unfortunately there were too many burning cars around for me to really enjoy it...)

I honestly hope that it doesn't really rain anymore... I know it will, and like kids and broccoli its probably good for you, but that doesn't mean I gotta like it much.

I'M BACK!

Not that anyone will really notice, since I NEVER write on this thing. But hey I figure why not? I got a little time right now, taking a break at work, thought I would yell out hello to the world after so long...

Not really a whole lot going on...WRONG...
yeah, life's hectic alright, but still bright and sunshiny. Doing really well though, got a job working in finance (wha...?), making the money. Living in a cute little one bedroom tout seul and having a blast. Balance is good. Still study Yoga. Still sing in the shower. Still eat food I shouldn't be eating. Still really short. unfortunately. Still healthy! (yay!)...

So, I hope that I can pick this thing up again, keep it a little more current... we'll see... you know I have cable and a land line... the internet can't be that far off...
*~

Still away...

Ohhh, what is this machine that I am so delightfully tickling with my fingers? Ahh, I miss the computer.
I am still away... and sadly will be for awhile longer. But not to worry, life is ever changing.

Have courage my friends; stand tall and stand firm even if life throws cream pies in your direction. Because you know what? You may be hurt for a time, wondering what the hell did I do to have this happen? Well you can sit and wallow in your self pity or you can go and have a shower.

Currently, I am having a good long shower.

I love you all
Namaste

Folks...

I am going to be away for a while. I thought that I could at least let you all know, seeings how I am such a fab writer and that you may go through Gwyn withdrawl! I am taking some time away. We can leave it at that.

So, until then...

Its been a long day?

Well, its 5.05am and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I have had probably one of the worst and best days of my life. I don't want to get into it... I imagine that it would just depress all the folks here...

I saw Darth Vader on the sky train today.

I had way too much to drink, and was contemplating text messaging all the people I knew. I am an amazingly strong woman, I didn't do a thing. Except to call my friend Sam who I haven't talked to in a very long time... total luck, she had moved out a long time ago, and just happened to be at her parents house when I called. Hope to hear from her...

I spent the majority of the day with my head in a pint. So much so I left my boxes at Hez's place... I will have to get those back from her tomorrow I guess.

I miss drinking Guinness, but I have lost so much weight that the pint was HEAVY... lol. I found that I was burning more calories than the beer was worth... I had some of the most digusting food too, but you know? Sometimes disgusting food can be such a dream to eat...

I tried the crane pose for Hez at her house, and I fell into the desk... I am so ashamed...I think her roomie thinks I am nuts.

Yoga should not be practiced when one is inebriated.

I learned that emotional intellegence is a very valid study... Perhaps they will use me as an example? I am feeling slightly emotional... or is it the beer...?

I think I am at 91 rounds of booze...

THEME OF THE DAY: BEER, BAR and ROCK N' ROLL

2 pints of guinness, 1.5 pints of granville honey lager, 2 bottles of shaftsbury four twenty and a mudslide...equals one very drunk woman... who wants to take advantage? Only sexy men need apply (or women; you know who you are... want some chocolate?).
93.5 rounds of booze on the wall... Take one down, and give it to Gwyn... who has had a shitty day... go to the liquor store again... 93 rounds of booze on the wall, 93 rounds of booze... too drunk to finish this post, I think I will go and eat some dry toast...

Sad thing is? this has been the theme even before I started drinking... sigh.

:P

A SHORT POST FOR DAVE

There you go. Your very own post. And its short!
:D

Some Good Stuff... (and some not so good stuff)...

I just got word that my company has an ad in the ReelWest 2005 on-line digest. So very cool... but holy shit! I wonder what will come of this?

You know I am amazed at myself sometimes. I know that sounds rather concieted and perhaps it is, but I just can't believe that in a few short months I have done so well in this little creative process. Gives me good meaning to my life, and such happiness, because I get to make nice things for nice people!

I got to finish up my ring tonight! Well, almost. There is a step that we can't do in class because it is extremely expensive to do. The teach takes the pieces home and tumbles them in a tumbler solution of soap, water and BUCKSHOT! Actually its steel shot, but really - isn't that the same thing? This process makes the pieces super shiny. I get to set my star ruby next week... should prove to be interesting. I tried teaching myself prong setting and ended up stabbing my knuckle with a bezel pusher and had a bruise for a week (note: to set prongs, you use a bezel pusher, but to set a bezel you use a prong pusher... I really don't get it). So I was really excited because I had loads of time to start and finish my second project, which is for a friend, until...ARRRRGH!

'Kay, so there is this thing called firescale? It is pure EVIL. Big, pure purple EVIL. I don't really know where it comes from, something to do with the copper in the silver becomes oxidized from too much heat something, something. The piece is pretty big, so you can see it from miles away. Well, being the anal retentive perfectionist that I am, I wanted to get rid of it. I asked the teach for a how-to method and she said only way to get rid of it is to file, FILE it all off. This was at 7.30pm. It took me an hour. And twenty minutes. I went through 2 emery boards, split my finger from the friction (thank god for callouses), and my contact lenses fell out from all the dust. But DAMN is it shiny... I wonder if I should charge him now... :P

I have fallen in love with Black Star Sapphires. These babies are grey black with a 'star' that sort of appears inside the stone. If I could, I would buy one for everyone I know, but at 50 dollars a carat, and the average carat wieght for these babies being 2-3 carats, thats too rich for my blood. I love my friends, but hey I gotta eat! I am able to get a good discount (50%), so that takes away some of the pain, but even still.. ouch.

What else is going on here in my little world? Well, I would tell you, but I'd need lots of beer. Lots and lots of beer. Coma-inducing amounts of beer. Yup - it's that great. Bah.

Oh oh! I can now officially do the Crane Pose! Yay me! (except if I am not totally focused, I fall on my face!)

MEN TAKE NOTE:

Asking who wants to go on a mountain climbing expedition seems to attact women...
so far: Ladies 4 - Men 0...
who wouldn't want to be around with four women in a tent?
lol

I can't sleep...

My mind is whirling. I feel good. I think the wheel is in its upswing? I know that there will be dark times ahead, but I feel like I can get through them. I realized just now, surfing through the sea of pages that I have momentarily forgotten the beautiful things. I know of so many things that are beautiful to me: Peonies - such a beautiful flower; weeping willows; glassy lakes; mist and fog. The steel blue of the mountains. The Ocean...

Standing on the edge of the world, and looking out. My favourite place is a bluff between Chesterman Beach and Cox Bay on the West coast of Vancouver Island. You walk from the 'new' Wick, and make your way to the far end, past the bend, and on the the second part of Chesterman Beach. Keep walking, and you come to an end. Climb up the brokendown path and walk along until you come to a road. Walk up the road and head towards the bluff. You have to climb through the trees, and even some bush, but you arrive high above the sea. Look out, the waves swell, the sky is expansive. All you have is the sound of the water crashing against the rocks below.
Sad part is that its part of a property development (lot #1 or 2), so I may never get to go there again... I miss that place.

The Stars...
I haven't seen the stars in so long. I miss them. Watching the comets and the meteor showers reminds me how we are so small in comparison and how truly insignificant the issues are that we have. I think on how many people haven't actually seen the stars in their fullest glory. There is nothing more magical than spending time with good people and staring at the sky. Find a grassy hill out of the city, and look out to the heavens. My favourite stargazing moment is with my Uncle Ray; we drank screwdrivers and watched the skies until the wee hours of the morning. We were in a small town outside of Parksville and it was so very dark. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen so many stars...

Wow, this is crazy...

So, there seems to be some serious looking into about this mountain expedition. I think that metaphorically, Kilimanjaro is appropriate for the current situation that is my life. Big... Scary... lots of wild animals...ummm.... a volcano... gee... Ice caps... takes forever to conquer, overcome.
Yup, sounds pretty accurate.

But! But!... What if I am successful in my current situation, the outcome positive... what if - I actually went and did it anyway?

It would fulfill so many dreams of mine. Visiting Africa; being outdoors - in Africa; climbing a big mountain - in Africa... wow. Talk about an achievement. I could hear the questions now... "So, Gwyn, what did you do over the christmas holidays?" "I climbed Kilimanjaro."
whoa.

So, I have decided, why not. It takes away from my current condition, and allows me to focus on something a little less stressful. I get to be inspired by natures beauty, and get to be out doors. I can enjoy the company of friends. I would get to use some of the Yoga exercises that I have learned - testing both the physical and mental body. Clean out the clutter that is in my head and has got me in this dreary state.

Dreariness begone! I want to climb a mountain, conquer the mountain. I want to stand on the summit and point to the heavens and say: I have made it. I am alive!

lol, I am so bizarre sometimes.

I can climb any mountain...

I have decided that I, me, Gwyneth - am going to climb a mountain. Literally. I have my sights on Mount Kilimanjaro. Who wants to come?

There is always hope...

I was talking to my mom today about a family friend that I have. This person, who will remain nameless is a fabulous dutch man who my step-dad met while travelling through Europe. He is a kind and gentle soul.
I have fond memories of him. He taught me to appreciate the music of Santana; we used to sit in my house and he would talk to me about the music, the rhythm. He was the only adult I knew who understood my passion for music, how it brings a light into your heart, how it fills you up. Sure, your family is proud, and they come to your recitals, but he was different. In a way I loved him more because of that. He tried to teach me the coordination for drumming even, but alas that I could not do. I would sit in awesome facination as he would drum out a beat with his hands, timed to the music, yet somehow it was his very own. He had such kind eyes, and a warm heart.
He was having a lot of difficulties in his life at the time I met him. His wife, two children and him were not getting along. He drank alot. Alot. He was one of those people who would sit and drink glass after glass, he would polish off one of those four litre jugs of wine in an evening. I was too young to really understand all that was going on, all I remember is his face would get pink, his nose bright red. His eyes would look sadder. He would laugh a hearty laugh, but you could hear the resignation in it.
The last time I saw him, I was 22. It was just after Christmas, and we were visiting him in the hospital. He had to have surgery done due to his excess drinking. He and his girlfriend of many years had spilt up, and he was sprialing down into the depths of dispair, the depths of his glass. We went to the room where he was, he looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot, the blood vessels on his nose were broken. His stomach was distended from the surgery, and the staples were pulling on his skin. I cried. I thought what has life done to this man? What is it that make us do these things to ourselves? This gentle man, his family hates him, and he hates himself.
I was still a smoker then, and wheeled him outside while my parents talked to the doctor about his condition. We sat and smoked cigarettes, talked about life. We talked about music, like the old days. I told him I didn't really do it anymore, I never went to school for it. He looked sad. He said everyone needs a passion in their life. Don't lose yours. We chatted about our lives, about him. He had a hard time talking about his problems. I told him he was special to me. He told me his kids don't tell him that. Tears were in his eyes; he cried. I was looking at a man who felt as if no one ever loved him. I hugged him and told him I would always be there for him. I would always carry him in my heart.
I was so sad when we left. I cried in my room when we got home, listened to some good music, even tried a little rhythm myself, and cried some more.
I talked to him briefly at Christmas in 2003. He had heard that I was very sick, and that I was starting a new journey in my life. He was talking to my dad and had asked to speak with me. On the phone I could hear his soft voice, with his funny dutch accent. He told me that I saved his life, that he will never forget how happy I made him feel that day. That he would always, always carry that in his heart. I cried that night.
Just a few weeks ago, I got a call from my mother. It was about my gentle dutch man. He was living in his car, a completely desolate alcholic. My dad had gone to look for him, and found him. He was ready to end it all. My dad talked with him, asked him why. He said he felt so alone. He couldn't talk to anyone, he felt like a burden, a failure. That he has so few happy memories. Then he said that the memories that keep him alive are the ones when we came to visit him that day, how much that meant to him. He cried. He cried my mom told me. I felt so sad.

Today I found out that my friend is now in detox. He will be for a long time. He was going to commit suicide, but he stopped himself. My dad with a little help convinced him that this was not the way, that there is always hope.

Although I am not an alcholic or at the end of my rope, I am still terrible at telling people what I am truly feeling. Reaching out is never easy for me. In a way I am kind of like my dutch friend. We never want to bother someone, we never want to be a hassle, or a pain. When we do, we feel guilty. We feel bad. We think that the other doesn't want to take the time. Or we feel that way when they don't have the time, even if it is unrelated. So often we try to reach out, only to become mute by these feelings. We sit and instead of being open we ask inane questions. Deep at the heart of it, we want to talk, to tell, to cry. This is such an unhealthy practice - ultimately causing dispair.

I am glad to hear that my gentle friend is trying to get better. He is making a change. His life as it's been, is helping me change. I don't want to fall so far down that I can't get out. I am slowly starting to be honest about what I am feeling, how I am feeling. It's hard, I still trip over reaching out, not quite sure what to say, how to start. So many times, starting a conversation, trying - but not quite succeeding. I suppose when you take the first step, you have to realize that you are likely to fall. You may feel too weak in heart to do this, that it is too hard, but you must realize you took the first step. My dutch friend is taking his first steps, and is subsequently teaching me another rhythm.

Funny. I suppose in the end it is he who is there for me.

Okay, okay...okay..okay, okay...

So, WTF is up with me? Geeze, I am trying to be deep and with feeling - attempting to understand the universe, imparting deep philosophical notions on ways to look at the world, to not let things get to you - to live your life, and yet I can't even keep myself out of a funk. WTF?

YET again deleting a post that is expressing this dark period. Well, yes the world can be an awful place... and it might be right now, but no more. So this post is about the positivities of Gwyn.

I can walk. I can eat Indian food and Japanese food. I can do the four limbed staff pose and the boat pose for more than 5 seconds. I can almost do the crane pose, and the firefly pose. I am able to put my head past my knees when standing. I can do... 18 manly-man push ups in a row. I have a great laugh. And a wicked smile. I don't have to wear a bra all the time (yes).

I don't have a terminal illness. I can take a vitamin B shot in the arm and not cry.

My eyes are the natural blue that you see. I don't need botox, and know I will never want it. I am 5 feet 3.5 inches! I am able to meditate for more than 10 minutes without going crazy. I have my own business. I take metal and make it into something worthwhile, something meaningful, something beautiful. I am an artist. I am creative.

I have neat handwriting, when I choose to write by hand. I love to write. I can sing a wicked bad ass musical number, and dance at the same time. I can do a soft shuffle. I can do a cartwheel sometimes... and when I can't, I fall over and love it! I can drink beer. I know beer. I love beer. But I don't have a beer gut! I quit smoking. I have my health.

I can lose myself in the moment. I can be uninhibited. I am emotional - and I love very hard. I am passionate. I feel everything, and care for everyone.

I had a 3.87 GPA after the summer semester in college; thats 3 A's and 2 -A's. I am intellegent and funny. I can use electic tools, and saws don't scare me. I can work in a high end boutique or a paper mill - and I can find the fun in either. I can (and have) build bird houses out of popsicle sticks without plans.

I can say that I have lived on 2 continents. I can say that I have lived, that I have experience. With that, I can help a person through a crisis. I can help myself. I can laugh at my dire situation, because I know that I am going to get through this. I can say I love my friends, and that they love me back. I can say that we will always be there for each other. With all honesty I can say that I am a good person, and I can do anything, survive anything, and no one, NO ONE can or will take that away from me.



I feel better... now if I can just get through this...

Do you want to share a box of candy?

Sitting here at 4.00 am... Can't sleep. Too much going on. Having thoughts travelling. I was sad earlier. Alone inside my head. Got tired of being sad. Got tired of seeing my sadness on the blog, so I removed it. Too much honesty, I agree. The recollections that bring my rays of hope, they have saved me. Realize that life isn't going to always be easy, but you have memories that fill you with joy, love and happiness, even if happiness seems so remote. These memories... they envelope me in a blanket of silk and satin...

I enjoy these salacious thoughts, like tiny morsels of exotic candy. I sigh a deep sultry sigh. I speak in quiet tones. The timbre of my voice is the colour of amber and fire. I think of certain moments in my carefully protected box of candies, and savour them. These memories are my wonderful saving grace.

Do you ever think about those who had bestowed you with these sweet thoughts? I think on some and wonder: What is he thinking of now? What is he doing? Does he ever think of me? Does he have the same memories as I do?

When you remember something, is it like a collective subconscious - and the other person is hit with the same memory at the same time? Are you savoring a moment that you spent together, together? Does it feel the same? Or are you alone in your private viewing room of memories?

These memories are half pictures, and I long for in some circumstances to finish what was started. The canvas sits half painted, the image not quite complete. Would you ever benefit from it if you finished it? If you took the time and found the subject of your memory-picture and tried to finish the sweet decadence you started, would it satisfy the deep need? Would the end result be the fantasy that is in your head? Or are your expectations so high that you set yourself up for failure, thus the once sweet thought becomes bitter? Do you - should you take that chance?

I long to reach out and ask in a timbre of amber and fire:
Do you want share a box of candy?

GWYNEVERE PERSEVERES THE HEART PALPATATIONS!!!!

that was for hez.
love ya doll

No more a slave...

Well, I've re-read my post from this morning, and for someone who had a few, I am glad to see I didn't write anything incredibly stupid. I checked the sent boxes on all my e-mail addresses (I have 5!), and I know I didn't make any late night phone calls, because I hate the phone, regardless of how much beer I have had.

I wonder if I am a PSA waiting to happen...

The pain in the chest is more or less gone now. I am sure there are a few of you who are wondering why I would go out after all that. Here is my answer:

When I was sick, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything because I was afraid. I was scared to leave my house, I couldn't even have a shower with no one home. I was always fearful something would happen, my limbs would stop functioning, my body would reject itself. Even on my good days, I would just sit. I was afraid of people I didn't know, I was afraid of people I did know. I was paralysed by my own fear, by the fear of others. I allowed myself to be confined, and allowed others to confine me. I watched my life go by, and I wasn't in it.

I have had very scary things told to me during this journey. I would sit day in and day out being told what the possibilities were. I would in some cases have to wait weeks for results. Instead of living my life to its fullest (within the capacity that I could at the time) - as if I had one day to live, I hid. I was allowing myself to be controlled by thoughts, notions and possibilities - all intangible. I had such a fatalistic look on life, I lost the joy. I focused on my dark morbid thoughts, or worse, those of others. Death superceeded Life. I lost the love for life. My spirit died.

There is damage that will take time to heal. Fear has eaten away so much of me. I am taking this which affects me, and I am looking at it now from a different perspective: We may not wake up in the morning. We will one day simply stop. Our candle snuffed out. I don't know when the end is. I know though, I do not want to be a slave to fear. I am tired of being governed by hesitations. I want to reclaim life. I want to feel life. Not be an empty shell of a person. Not allowing myself to be affected by others and not stopping it. I have opened my eyes.

If you can accept that death is inevitable, perhaps the world seems less frightening? Perhaps you would take more chances, stand up for yourself? Perhaps you would do what you feel in your heart and not be confined by your fear or the fear of those around you? Perhaps the focus would then be on living?

So, sure - yesterday mornings' events were a serious matter. It was serious for 5 hours. I was then told I was fine: I pulled something, I needed to de stress, take "a pill" and get some sleep. I woke up in the afternoon reeling. I have to take it easy I said to myself. So typical. There is nothing wrong with you. Why sit in the house and agonize over a situation that isn't a situation anymore?

You want to know something though? As I was lying there on the bed in the ER, I was thinking of all the things I hadn't done. All the things I wanted to say. All of it. I cried. I lied in that bed and cried. The sad thing is, even after that experience, I was still afraid. I am still afraid. Will it ever end? Is fear maybe, truly a mechanism for survival? Preventing us from doing things that we really want, because the task is too great, hard, scary, deadly? Do we listen to our heart? Or our head? My heart screams while my head suffocates it.

I had a blast last night. I got to let go, and enjoy life. For a brief moment, I was living. If I gave into the fear of what others would have thought and my fear of wanting approval, I would be denying myself the right to enjoy life. I can't let that happen anymore. I miss life, I miss it with such desperation. I cry - no more, please. Just... no more.

So to those who worry please, I love you - but don't - I beg you. Give me something other than your fear. Give me joy, give me love. Give me freedom.

The times you hesitate, you lose time. You lose life. You edit and re-edit your thoughts, what you want to say. How you want to say it. The whole time you lose. You miss your window of opportunity. I do it all the time. I am doing it right now. I have so much to learn. Oh God, I have so much to learn.

Don't be afraid. You know what you want, you know in your heart. Don't wait.
Life is too short.

Mercury in Retrograde...

Got to see Retrograde play a few hours ago. Absolutely amazing. You don't know who they are? Shame on you! Got to go with Hez and KN. Hadn't seen Hez in a really long time. I miss her.

Was a beautiful show, and a beautiful reunion. I know one of the members; we hadn't seen each other in 3 years. Nice way to see someone after so long. So a big heartfelt congrats to TH for the success of his and his bands second album, and I wish nothing but the best for you.

Want to let the masses know that the ticker is doing well. In fact, Advil is the most amazing thing ever. Takes care of my migraines... and my cardiac pains... harhar.

Thats about it, unless you want to hear me blabber on, since I've had a few...


Wine and Beer!

I totally forgot!...

So on Tuesday I had my first silversmithing class. I found it to be so awesome! Our teach was late, and I had missed last class (so the first one) and had to wait before I could do anything. I caught up by the 2nd hour (whoohoo!) and nearly finished my piece. I successfully made a sterling silver band which will have a bezeled star ruby as the accent. I should have that done, as well as another piece by the end of next class. Folks, if you ever, EVER wanted to try something like this, I recommend it. The sense of accomplishment is amazing. You take a strip of silver, and turn it into a highly polished (like a mirror!) beautiful (well, that's what I think) piece of jewellery. This is going to open up so many things for me with regards to the creative process. After bending metal to your fancy, working a blow torch (which are really really tiny... no flame throwers...) and changing the structure molecularly... (I am talking Ions baby. You tell them what to do.) you feel like you could make just about anything. So, this being a thing that I can do, I have started looking for studio space. Need good ventilation, place for propane tanks, a kiln and a jewellers bench, among other things. How cool is this? It's like a dream come true.


'Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.' - Mark Twain

Ach, my aching heart...

DC and KN are the greatest. Bless these guys and putting up with me.

In short blunt fashion at 2.00 this morning I thought my heart was giving out, called DC, got to go the hospital and have funky machines hooked up to me, and lie in a bed for 4.5 hours. Turns out I am okay - the muscles of the chest wall are wigging out, not the major ticker herself. (My thyroid drugs, they stimulate the metabolism, and subsequently the heart. If I get weird heart pains I gotsta go to the doctor asap...what a shitty day.) But no needles! YAY!

But I did get to experience some of the strangest things... hospitals are just weird. I suppose if they weren't people would go there all the time. I was put next to a woman who had something like chronic hiccups...

So, thanks y'all, you guys are sweet.

I'll have two thanks...

Wow, I feel slightly uh... drunk
Went out and got my hair done today, er rather tonight, er... last night?
My stylist (yes, I have a STYLIST), she fed me liquor as I shared deep dark secrets. None of which I will share with you. Sorry folks!
So yeah, that was it...
alabama slammers are great...

We're a PSA waiting to happen...

My god, what a slightly surreal day. DC and I went out to look for fields. Yup, fields. We needed a specific size of field, and it had to have certain characteristics, and well, needless to say there aren't many of these fields that DC was looking for. Its amazing what people will deem as green space. I suppose if it is green, and a space...?

So after all was said and done with regards to the field search, we went to the marina off of Barnet Hwy to chat and look for, you guessed it, fields.

Ever seen two drunk guys in a motor boat almost crash into the rocky shore, with a tiny whiney dog? Believe it, it happens.

I have come up with a theory. I believe that the NYTIMES crossword puzzle is a coded message that only crossworder types can decipher. They aren't really trying to figure out what another word for plethora is, or trying to be the witty one who can spell a word 2 different ways and maintain the same meaning... nope. Its a plot I tell ya. To take over the world. The little blacked in squares? Maps. Think about it...

:)

25 bucks an hour...

Wow, I honestly didn't think I would ever have a job that paid that...
mind you... all the labour, more like 25 cents an hour...

Well, my little market fair did well. I even got a potential wedding client, which is fabulous. Even if I don't end up making anything for her, it was still nice to have that opportunity, and the interest.

So I am in the process of finding out what other little markets I can do, since it seems to be rather lucrative. The next big event for me is in July, and I will certainly be busy working on that project. Who knows, maybe I will actually become one of those designers found in InStyle magazine! I also start my silversmithing course on Tuesday, and if I have a knack for that I will be starting my rings collection, which I have been designing for a while now (in my head of course!).

More exciting news, I am going on a business trip in June to Edmonton (whoohoo!), where I will be shopping for new supplies like rubies and sapphires and emeralds... Keep an eye out for more stuff on the website too! I am currently in the process of creating a new line of products. I hope to have these designs done by mid July, in time for the fall and winter seasons.

In other news...

On the 12th of May, if you are not doing anything, and you are in beautiful Vancouver B. C., I suggest you get down to the Red Room, located at 398 Richards Street for 9pm and check out a local band called Retrograde. They are releasing their second album; a follow up to the successful EP titled 'Headphones', which was released in October of 2004. The album, titled 'This Frequency We Share', has some very kick ass tunes. Tix are 10 bucks and at the door, and you get a copy of the CD. Guest bands are Doubting Paris and Motion Soundtrack.

Still haven't figured out what colour my wings are yet, but I have been thinking about the metamorphisis. It's funny, you can get all caught up in the change that you are going through, and in a sense it almost feels like a unique experience. You believe that other people will be the same - you however have evolved. What a silly egotistical thought!

Went out for dinner with DC, KA and JC, all of whom I hadn't really seen in awhile. It was nice to kick back and just enjoy. I highly suggest that you try the Wu-Tangtini at Cactus Club, sweet jesus it is fabulous!

Gotta go, just got a phone call I have been waiting for...

Diamonds, Rubies and Pearls...

Well not quite, but certainly some very pretty gemstones to say the least. What the hell am I talking about? Well, I am going to be at a market fair that is being held at a local church in my neighbourhood (Our Lady of Lourdes, to be exact) in Maillardville (or Coquitlam, whatever). I am selling mostly earrings, but I will have some necklaces and bracelets for sale too. It is on Saturday, May 7th from 9am until 2pm.
I seem to have made an interesting collection...everything is from 5-20 dollars, some stuff maybe a little more... so if you are interested... come check it out! You can check out my website too: www.bluelotuscanada.com which shows my custom work, and high end stuff. It's small but, hey I only just put it up like 2.5 weeks ago...

Ahh, blogs are great, I can shamelessly plug my own business, and only feel slightly guilty...

other than that, the world is good, the sun is shining and the days are getting longer. The nights are warmer. I am getting a lot of work done, and feel like it is starting to move forward. Slowly but surely. I've been re-connecting with old friends; making plans to do things. I feel like a new person, a metamorphisis. I'll keep you posted on the colour of my wings...

Namaste

The reconnection

Do you ever wonder what someone is doing? So long ago, you would know what they were doing, you cared deeply to find out what they were doing. How are you? we would ask the someones in our lives. What have you been up to? Then for strange reasons, we stop. Do we stop caring? Do we simply forget? These people, we spent so much time nurturing, tending to and loving - we just stop? What makes us do that? Someone is irritating me, I hear, I say. Someone is being a jerk, and not caring, so why should I? I don't have the time...

I urge you all to take a moment and reconnect. Phone or e-mail that someone you have been thinking about. They are important to you, they must be or else you wouldn't be thinking about them. Sure our lives may change, and we seem different to ourselves and to others, but these people remain within our souls, because they were so important, and continue to be so. You cared once, would it be so difficult to care just a little bit more? So many of us say we are lonely, but we are lonely only because we put ourselves there. We were the ones who stopped trying.

Of course, it may not always be a positive event, someone may just not want you in their lives. But know this, it takes courage to walk forward and reach out. The act of overcoming the fear is in itself a wonderful healing tool. The fear is real, but it is only fear. Easier said than done, certainly - but once you step over that barrier of fear, the world is a bright and beautiful place.

Namaste.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE I BEEN?

Well, this has been a while now hasn't it? I think the last time I wrote anything down on this blog, I was sitting at a desk in a psychology office, and was wondering 'what the hell am I going to do with my life?', 'why do I feel like crap, still?', 'ahh, I won't have a computer anymore after this week...'

Well, turns out I still felt like crap because I was STILL sick, and after 2.5 years, it gets to be a bit much. Well for those who care, I am better and I would like to say: lets get a beer!

What have I been doing all this time? Other than recovering, I have been learning about life. Contemplating the Cosmos. Meditating on the notion of being, and nothing else. Understanding that I am the controller of my emotions, my desires. No one else is to blame for my mistakes. I cannot hold people responsible for my anger, my sadness, or even my joy. Only I can control all of this. 'But how?', I ask myself. 'How can other people be absolved, when they are to blame?' Nuh-uh, I wispered to my Self, only I can control how I feel. People may contribute, but it is ultimately I who chooses to accept it, and let it affect me. It is I who is to blame for these feelings, because I allow it. Further, with being sick - no one can make me feel better, except myself. I can't expect my friends or my family to continually burn energy in order to make me feel better. I am stealing from them; their energy, in order for me to feel better. Don't get me wrong, having friends and family help is good and healthy, but there are times when you need to realize that your needs cannot always be met by others, and that you must take hold of them yourself. I cannot continue with this, as I must take responsibility for my Self. So I did. I withdrew. I focused on what mattered to me. I let go of things that were burning inside of me, I made a pact with my Self that when I am stronger, I will mend bridges, accept losses, attempt new things, not be afraid, to live life as I have always intended. With joy.

So, here I am. Ready to take on the world. I have kicked habits, started a new company, and am in the process of re-connecting with those who I feel are special and important to me. I want to love the life that I had lost for so long. To embace everything and anything. To be accepting of my Self. To be giving, without losing my Self. To say sorry. To say 'I love you'. To admit I am wrong and to accept others without judgement. To learn more. To listen more - not just to the words, but to the voice. To see the world with different eyes, to be inspired. To inspire.

Thank you to all the people in my life who love me, you are truly the rare gems of this world.

Namaste.

It's been a while...

Hey folks, It's been a while and well, I guess that is too bad for all of us. Been busy working, got a 3 week contract with a nail company. No not the kind you put on your fingers, the kind that help build stuff. Its been okay, some of the people there are a bit off, but generally its all good. I even applied for a job there. Must be crazy to want to work there but hey its all good and its a solid steady job.

Other than that nothing much has been going on...I've been working, sleeping, working, sleeping and that is about it.

Got a new phone! Finally, the one that I used to have sucked and now I have a new and improved phone. My old number is still active for a little while and that phone is forwarded to the new one.
I am rambling on and on and on....
Whaaa? Where am I now.

Well I gotta go, ramblings must cease, since I am one of THOSE people...

GK

I HAVE AMNESIA!